It's natural to be emotional during a divorce.  Each spouse may experience feelings of anger, hurt and resentment.  It could cause either spouse to act and react in such a way that may not be normal for either of you. 

Coping with Mr. or Mrs. Exzilla

While both are so emotionally compromised, it's not uncommon for either of you to also lose your ability to remain patient and empathetic to the other's feelings and behavior.  However, in the best interest of expeditious negotiations, that's what you both need.

One of the best ways to cope with your spouse's "divorce mood" is to learn ways for you to independently cope with the situation.  This provides you more patience and less reactive decision-making.  It takes two to tango and only one to ruin the dance.   

So, when things get heated, don't make it worse with aggressive or passive aggressive behavior to spite your spouse.  Instead, practice emotional intelligence in a sincere effort to sustain amicable negotiations until the divorce is completed.  

How to individually cope with your situation 

As more turmoil and legal matters related to home, family and finances unfold, the heightened emotions and feelings are rushing at you faster than you may be able to process.  Soon, the divorce may seem to overtake your everyday life.   You may overreact, cry or feel unraveled during seemingly unrelated times.

Even when you are not directly thinking about it, it's there like an elephant in the room to remind you it's there.  While it may seem it must be dealt with immediately in order to move on with the rest of your day, it's important to not let it consume you.

Who would you talk to about this consuming problem?

You eventually realize that you don't have that one person, your spouse, of whom you formerly confided when times were difficult.  Now your soon-to-be-ex spouse is that pending doom, the enemy at times, it may seem. 

As mentioned above, you may see a side of this person you have never seen before.  It may be a picture that makes you doubt, all together, why you ever married him/her. 

It's common to see your spouse's shortcomings during this stressful time, rather than your own.  But, eventually, most of us do see our own behavioral changes that may lead to some doubt about ourselves, life and decisions.  This can lead to anxiety, depression and addiction.

Seeking individual counseling during a divorce may be very helpful, as well as, a divorce mediator who can help you and your spouse negotiate your settlement.

It's easier to be the victim

Now, the hard truth.  In times of great conflict, stress and loss, it's almost impossible to self scrutinize productively.  Meaning the pain that you feel would seem too great to see yourself as anything but the victim in this marital hardship. 

Much of your emotional loss in a divorce stems from loss of self-esteem.   Being the "victim" is still a better piece of land to claim in order to retain any sense that you are not a bad person, despite feeling so bad.  This often results in one's natural instinct, to blame.  And who better to blame than the opposing spouse in a divorce.

Yes, in some divorces one person is clearly the victim.  In many divorces both parties victimize each other. 

In some situations, the one who is taking gross advantage of the other goes to great length to turn friends and family against their spouse with manipulation, financial and social control.  This can be a difficult situation for the person this happens too, but the longer this person tries to prove otherwise, the longer he/she provides control to the offender.

In other words, regardless if your the victim or not, be your own savior rather than reporter.  Capiche?

Problems on both sides?

Now ask yourself?  Am I the wrong or the right in this divorce?  Outside of one-sided adultery, abuse, neglect, significant misleading or changes in behavior; most likely the right and wrong exists on both sides. 

It's very common for each person to behave in a way that will eventually lead to some regrets now and in years to come.  

So, while you desperately want to blame each other, it's better to avoid this corrosive feeling like the plague.  If you can't avoid such a feeling you should find constructive, therapeutic ways with the support of friends, counseling or peer group that can help you work through it. 

Try to see that your spouse is also suffering and is hurt, angry and wants someone to blame.  It doesn't matter what you think of him, it only matters that you understand him in an effort to finalize this difficult experience with less friction and stress (even at the expense of righteousness).

Know that his or her behavior may be related to the stress of divorce and feelings of guilt as yours.  If you can still reason with each other and still communicate, it will help to explain how you understand what he or she is going through, too.  You might find a great emotional reward that can't be obtained as "a victim". 

It will make you a stronger person and the divorce itself may be less painful.

When blame is reasonable

If you are one of the unlucky ones who is struggling with a divorce with adultery, abuse or otherwise; know that this pain and anguish shall pass in time. 

While you may be on one side of right or wrong, your life is moving in the right direction.  If you are clearly the one who has been in the wrong, it's a good idea to seek emotional support from a counselor or therapist, if necessary.  Don't be afraid to recognize your faults in order to improve yourself and life. 

Imperfections are what make us human, learning from our mistakes makes us wise

This is a great time to learn to make better choices.  Be who you really are capable of becoming and who you want to be, not just who you were.  Everyone, could be a better person to do so.

Choose what you did right in your life and build strength from it.  Forgive yourself for what you did wrong, forgive others and let it go.  If others can't forgive you, accept that and make the decision if they deserve to be part of your life.

Most often both divorcee's have been on the wrong side of things at one-point or another in a divorce.  It may be best to stay apart from your soon-to-be ex-spouse until such a time that both of you are able to accept all that has happened in your marriage and are less emotional and upset. 

You may never feel good about it; but you should try to accept and release the pain for yourself and those who love you.  It can't be sugarcoated.  This may take a long-long time depending on how bad your spouse hurt you or you hurt each other.  But, know that you will heal from this pain but it will change you.  How it changes you is up to you. 

Finally, know that your ex may never be someone you will like, trust or want to be around unless absolutely necessary.  So don't.  That's okay.  Move on and move through these hard times to find a better you and a better life!



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