Sometimes we fail to recognize our actions and behavior because we don't have a physical representation, like a face, that symbolizes how we manage important events in our lifetime.

Some of those faces for me would be pretty awful.  But, really, we have to put them in perspective.  Nobody should compare getting married to getting divorced, unless we grade on a curve or married the equivalent to an axe murderer.  

In other words, divorce is not easy for anyone.  While we may want to think it ugly, turn it into something that says, "I'm hopeful, I'm strong, I'm able to rewrite my life in order to provide my family and myself a better future."  

But, how?

Divorce isn't just about the past, it's about a better future

Look towards tomorrow instead of into the mirror of yesterday.  That's what divorce is really all about.  It's about closing a door to a place and a time in your life that just makes you sad, miserable and stuck

It doesn't matter if there were good times that are hard to forget and bad times that led to an emotional upheaval.  It's time to be a survivor and take actions to achieve a better today and tomorrow.  It's time to let go of the pain of yesterday and get focused on something positive.

I think it's easier when the marriage was really never good, but for most of us, we struggle to move forward because there was some "good" that makes it hard to walk away.   

The good of yesterday keeps us looking to the past for what we seek in the future and yesterday's bad keeps our attention on it.  Ultimately this prevents us from achieving what we seek.  It's cyclical and statistically damaging to the possibility of a lasting marriage in the future. 

Second marriages have a 67% failure rate and third marriages even worse at 73%.

Isn't it ironic?

Sometimes, what we think of as a good relationship was just comfortable companionship.  Companionship that barely registered as "enough" to make our emotional ends meet.  Still it was a warm body next to us in our hotbed of problems, fears and disasters.   A warm body, anybody, that ironically would comfort us during these hard times and life events...like divorce. 

But, now, we must walk away, because those good times and bad are gone and over.  Keeping our old marriage top-of-mind leads us to remember those old feelings associated with our problems, fears and weaknesses.  

Life keeps going even if we don't live it

So, if you made the decision to move forward, then move forward.  Life won't wait, but you won't experience it if you're not out there, living it.  It will literally just pass you by and one day, you'll just wake up and think back with regret about what was written in this article. 

Don't live by your regrets.  They only hold you back.  Instead, find the upside of any downturn.  That way, nothing can keep you down!

If you made a mistake choosing to get a divorce, you'll need to come to terms with that sooner rather than later.  The decision is made and now you must move on.   

If your former spouse made mistakes that hurt you or damaged your life, the decision to stop it from happening again has been made.  In that, find relief and freedom to achieve individual happiness and success he/she prevented.

You simply can't focus on the future if your past is always getting in your way.  Typical representations of this occurrence are as follows:

  • Can't stop holding grudges against your ex
  • Talk at length to others about problems associated with your divorce
  • Your divorce gets in the way of family, career or dating
  • Fail to make serious changes since your divorce to improve shortcomings as a result of it
  • Use your divorce settlement as an excuse to achieve success and happiness
  • After the divorce is final, still think daily about problems that occurred while you were married and/or separated (related to your marriage)
  • Allow the pain from your divorce to affect your health & well-being and at times, attribute such problems to your ex

If any or all of these sound like you, then it's time to change your perspective of the face of your divorce. You need to stop allowing the negativity from overpowering you.   You are the biggest victim of that negativity.  

Your divorce provides you the opportunity to live your life to the fullest.  So, do not define yourself through the lens of the past.  Instead, allow the positive actions and energy of today to provide clearer perspective of the occurrences and losses of yesterday.  

No.  You may not really change the face of the past, but you'll see it differently, and that will make all the difference in the world.

Make the sacrifice worthwhile

In the interest of putting it in perspective, we have another analogy to consider:

Divorce is a sacrifice.  You may feel as if you are giving up a part of yourself, like an arm (and sometimes a leg depending on your final settlement), to save your life.

Of course none of us want to lose our arm to save our life, but what good was the sacrifice if our life is a series of downturns because we can't get past what we lost. 

Would you blame the surgery that provided the life saving opportunity?  After all, it saved your life.  But, still for most of us, we may still ruminate over it in a misguided attempt to label our pain, our loss.

In some cases, our loss provides a safety net, something to protect us from feelings associated with guilt, fear and failure.  It provides us an excuse.  However, in seeing it that way, it really just becomes a continuous surgery that destroys our life rather than save it.  And whose the surgeon? 

You are.

If you're going to be a surgeon, be a good one

You made the decision to end a relationship that was damaging your life.  Don't let it keep damaging it.  Just because you gave up something, many things or what seems like everything, know that you didn't.  You still have "you".  But, you won't if you don't know when to stop operating.  You'll literally just keep cutting out good things and people from your life.

Make your divorce a savior to all that you want, desire and deserve.  Offer up the pain and loss as a means to appreciate the opportunity you now have to seek happiness formerly threatened or suppressed through a marriage gone bad.   

Improve your actions, thoughts and behavior regarding your divorce.  Eventually, your image of your divorce will change over time.  It will not represent as much pain as it does a solution to problems unresolvable through other means.

Yes, it's unfair you were in a situation nearly half of all married couples find themselves in; but, let the future start with your divorce rather than be destroyed by it.  Allow it to symbolize hope for a better life, absent of all the pain that led up to it.  

Reimagine what's possible

Realize the face of your divorce as one that says, "I am here to complete one journey to prepare for a better one.  I have clear goals, years of relationship experience and perseverance.  I am personally successful because I believe in myself and the life I make for myself and my family"

Now look into the future and act that way.  Put your game face on and play to win back the day, everyday.  Now, what does that look like?  Make that you. 

Be the face of your actions, your strengths and your convictions.   This is your future.  I see you already.  Can you see yourself?  I think you can.      -OurDMK.com



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