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re • birth n.  "Another birth; renewed existence or revival; a person's choice to live a new life following a spiritual enlightenment; change in one's beliefs; resurgence."  

There are numerous definitions, explanations and synonyms of rebirth that coincide with the time following any event that can cause you to take a step back, look at your life, contemplate what went wrong and want a life "do-over."

We use phrases and words like "moving-on", "starting over" or "getting back out there".   Call it what you want, but it all pretty much means the same thing.  At any given time, when life feels broken, to fix it, you can generate your own personal revival.   After a divorce is a perfect example of such a time.  Now, let's get born again!

Warning!  This birth ain't for everyone, some of you may just want to stay back and order in.foot-in-mouth

Divorce is like being born?  What?!

Could we actually imply that the conclusion of your divorce is comparable to the experience of being expelled from your mother's uterus through a narrow birth canal, out into the cold, loud, frightening world where some #$@#$#@! shoves a plunger into your nose, which after, only increases the loud shrieking noise that somehow is coming from your own mouth!  Well.  Yes!

But after divorce you have wine and if things get really rough, VODKA! 

But, really, in no way do we endorse drinking as a way to deal with or settle disputes with your ex, attorney or yourself (and never in that order).  But if, on occasion, one might indulge, so be it. 

Afterall, I may have had a drink if upon her going into labor, my mother called down to me and said, " Hey, you may want to sip on some Chianti, the next 12 hours are going be like your future divorce!"

But will we survive this near fatal experience? 

Like really, are you an infant?  Your new chance at personal happiness is about to begin, it only feels like life is ending as you know it. 

Okay, seriously, most of us feel like our world is coming to an end when going through a divorce or being born.  So cry like a baby, as needed.

It just depends on how comfy you were in utero as to the fear you may be feeling.  But, it's always better on the outside - unless you make a ton of mistakes, yada, yada, yada, rob a bank, steal a car or off someone and end up in the slammer doing thirty to life, then, in that case, your mom's uterus aka former marriage may actually have been a better place for you.

Birth canals can really shrink a head.

Realistically, divorce also does a great deal of head shrinking for most of us. 

"Failure" came to mind while I testified on the stand during my first divorce and "hopeless" was every bit the theme for my second.  Perhaps, a smaller head is exactly what it takes to get through the narrow birth canal and then signing of our divorce settlement some thirty-five years later.  At least a baby has a fontanel. 

Keep only what you need of your self-esteem, self-respect, self-worth 'cause there's not much room for a big ego after everything you own, love, need or cherish is literally sliced in two and rarely down the middle.  And none of us, even your ex ever feels like we got the better side of 50%.  Do you see where this is going folks?  

Barely born and already "well-off"

We all feel hurt and angry.   Some of us obviously fare better than others, but we all feel like the other got the better of us.  It's like the first thing we do when going through a divorce is open an account at "Divorces R Us, Better Luck Next Time Chump Bank and Trust", where we invest a very large sum of emotional garbage ready for withdraw morning, noon or night.  

Despite our very large withdraws, our emotional garbage-money is well invested.  It earns a great deal of interest, usually three times as much as any positive thoughts, memories or actions.  The more attention we give our emotional garbage, a considerable asset in misery, the more our "negative money" grows.  

Yep.  We're all loaded after divorce. 

And like that screaming infant, the loudest noise in the room is usually coming from our own "chump" bank accounts drawing up as much "chump" garbage as possible every time something doesn't go our way. 

e.g. Our teenager screws up, get's in trouble at school and we blame our divorce; because teenagers never get into trouble in nuclear families. 

Our roof leaks and it's because our lousy ex never had it repaired correctly; because it was his house and responsibility when married, not ours

Or when our new girlfriend nags us the same way our ex wife did, because somehow we're still comparing everyone to the woman we say we truly can't stand?   Hmm?

Here's the main problem with this bank account, no matter what you do when you use your emotional garbage-money, if things are good, they will never be as good as they were before; if things are bad, they will always be bad because of that bad marriage, bad ex and bad divorce that ruined your life.   

Okay where's the spiritual enlightenment?

You've had your step back, you've looked at your life, found a million things that keep making it ALL wrong and can't seem to get the "do-over" thing initiated. 

You've tried 

You've taken a few steps in the right direction; lost a few pounds, revamped your resume, searched for God again, started a profile on Match®, but that "chump" bank account is just too large to ignore.  

If you've done all the right things (which includes doing some of the wrong things along the way), you've made it through many or all of the Stages of Divorce. You've explored the rights and wrongs and learned to forgive yourself and possibly most of what your ex did wrong too. 

You've discovered things about yourself that may need self-improvement; you've accepted the things that may never change and you've found yourself to be a viable, active and worthwhile person. 

You know what's important in a relationship and what you need to improve to make the next one work.  You understand what's most important in your life and have begun to set goals to achieve them.  Congratulations, you're already born again.

For the rest of us who have tried this...

..but, failed

Like most of us, once again, we fall a little short immediately following the divorce.  We end up doing most of the wrong things (which includes stumbling into a few right things along the way).  If you're lucky, you'll meet someone.  You. 

It's good to know who you're looking for, but don't stop there.  You still have a great deal of labor ahead of you on the typical "born again - after divorce" birth plan.

The past you formerly identified with, the married unhappy person, slowly disappears.  You may find a few bursts of "freedom and future" pop up and then things get "real" again. 

You realize you're alone, single and perhaps broke.  As the unhappy married person fades, the unhappy single person emerges.  You start to try those things we mentioned above: improve yourself, faith, education, body, sex life.  But, nothing really "enlightens" you to the point of initiating a renewed existence.  Some of you may even wonder if your divorce was the right decision.  Maybe it wasn't, but now you must "move forward".

Most of you will feel like you didn't get a great settlement, emotionally or financially.  Life is harder and despite a bad marriage and painful memories, you may still find yourself, "stuck in the past".  This is a place you'll never, ever, ever find your rebirth.  Your stuck somewhere between there and "life".  

Let our words be your forceps

Too much?  Maybe.  But, let's just remind you that when you were born, the average 35 year old had about 74 years (www.u.demog.berkeley.edu) ahead of him or her. 

On this journey, which seems to be taking you a bit longer than your average 6-12 hour birth of an infant, you have 14,235 days of your average life expectancy left.  Take out 8 hours of sleep everyday and that leaves you 9,490 days of waking time left on this earth to find yourself, your God, your revival.  Let's go!

There's nothing here to see folks.  Your marriage and divorce are behind you, that womb is closed for business.  There's only one way to go from here and that's back to life!  It's time to envision what you want, need, desire and dream.  Life!  Life! Life! 

Need we say more?  Okay, we'll say more.

It's not about waking everyday to live like the unhappy person your were.  Instead, become the person you knew you could be, but were too comfy and (in the end of your marriage) too miserable to take actions to achieve.  Do you feel the contraction? 

Active labor

You know those "lofty" goals that are no longer "lofty", because you have the drive, will and determination to reach them?

Contraction

Contraction

Contraction

Contraction

Contraction

Contraction

It's time.

The point here is that despite the pressures and problems associated with divorce, the contractions; your renewed life begins when you push forward and take action!

When being born again, it's you who must generate your progress.  It's your only chance to find the life you seek.  It's not easy and not everyone can make it happen.  But, don't be the one who never tries.  The one who still awaits the call from mom. 

Instead, make the call.  You find the way.  It's your life or "no life", but the Chianti is on the other side and it ain't pouring itself.  

So.  Make the choice. 

Do you waste more waking hours doing nothing except waiting for your life and the world to change.  Or, be bothered by the fact that 9,490 days isn't a lot of time and you're determined to make every day count. 

With improved "self" you're determined to live longer than the average person and live better than yesterday!  You're determined to find yourself.  You're going to achieve your life goals and you're going to start right now. NOW!

What's going to be your first action? 

If you can't take a minute to figure out the life you want and deserve, feel free to stay-awhile and order a pizza.  Call 1-800-Life-Sucks-Here, use your garbage account to pay. money-mouth

The rest of us are on our way and we're doing everything we can to make it happen.  Join us.

OurDMK.com


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