Dear Honey Wexler,
My ex-husband has a new girlfriend that is completely ridiculous. I don't want her around my children. She is nothing like me and my kids tell me she smokes and drinks. I feel like he is doing this to get me upset. No matter how much I try to talk to him about her, he just shuts me out. I feel like she is a bad influence on my children. How can I get him to be reasonable about bringing her around my kids?
Concerned Mom
Dear Concerned Mom,
It sounds like your former husband has moved on with someone you wouldn't pick as a new love interest for him. It isn't uncommon following a long relationship that you would still feel you have a choice regarding his life decisions, but you unfortunately don't. He is no longer your spouse and you should let him make his own decisions, especially when it comes to love interests. Most often, rebound relationships may involve people that are far removed from the former spouse. So, it's not a surprise that she is nothing like you.
Regarding your children. Co-parenting is a difficult adjustment. You didn't indicate how long you have been divorced, so you and your former spouse may need some time getting adjusted to working together in this new way. His new girlfriend could be just like you and it would still be difficult for your children to adjust. Be cautious about forming a "hate dad's girlfriend" group with your kids, that can backfire and it makes it more difficult when your kids are with their dad and his girlfriend.
A better way to approach it is to let dad realize what his new girlfriend is all about on his own. The more you try to make him "get rid of her", the more he will defend her and distance himself from a positive new co-parenting relationship with you. It also puts your kids in the middle of a difficult situation where they feel like they have to pick sides.
Let him know that you support his new relationship. You should also let him know that you disapprove of his girlfriend smoking or drinking around your children if that has been an issue. These are both unhealthy habits, produce a bad influence for your mutual children and the dangers of second hand smoke directly affect your children's health. Educating your children about both habits and why they should be avoided will help.
If her behavior and habits is a danger to your children and your former spouse is unwilling to make changes then you may want to consult a local attorney regarding your options. Otherwise, your job is done when it comes to your ex-husband's choice in women.
Good luck,
Honey Wexler
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