Dear Honey Wexler,
My wife and I have been married for 18 years. We have three wonderful children and a beautiful home near Lake Michigan. I was recently offered a job in Nevada that I turned down because my wife didn't want to live that far from her family. The pay was for a considerable amount more than what I'm making now and would have given my wife the chance to quit working a full-time job.
She routinely complains about how hard it is for her to work so much while raising three small children. I am out of town a lot and she takes on much of the parental duties while I'm away.
Her complaining is a big reason I thought the offer was super for us. Despite the solution I provided that she didn't want, she still complains and expects me to solve her problems on a regular basis. I'm already so stressed at work that I recently got treated for high blood pressure and anxiety, but she doesn't seem to care.
Do you think I should tell her that she made the decision to not accept my solution so she needs to understand and just accept with the situation we're in right now?
Terrence K.
Terrence,
Absolutely not!
While I understand your frustration, you're completely missing the parallel in what you wrote. You indicated your stress level and anxiety required medical intervention. That level of stress in a husband clearly carries over to his spouse just as your wife's problem also affects you. Telling her she needs to just work through her own problems related to your children and household income problems is a little out-of-touch and very insensitive.
While your willingness to provide a solution was forthcoming and attentive, it's likely not the only reason you wanted to accept the new job. So, try not to overstress the opportunity was solely for her benefit, even if it had some impact on considering it.
It is good that in making a decision like that, you included and accepted your wife's input. It tells me that you're probably a good husband who's just facing unprecedented problems that you're not sure how to solve.
My philosophy when making big changes in a marriage is that unless it regards a life threatening situation or otherwise dangerous activity, behavior or occurrence, the decision should remain weighted in the most conservative option and the spouse requesting the change must provide a compelling and dynamic enough appeal to convince his/her spouse to make the proposed changes. If he can't provide enough reason to do so, then the conservative decision, such as the one in which you decided not to take the job in Nevada, is the overall best option.
However, any decision made is one that both spouses need to accept was a mutual decision based on their own method of decision making. Plain and simple.
While your wife should recognize your effort and practice patience until an alternative to both moving and keeping things status quo, telling her to just deal with it because she didn't accept your solution is both dismissive and somewhat argumentative.
However, you are not the only one responsible to develop an action plan that will be acceptable to both of you. You and your wife owe it to yourselves, your family and marriage to come up with a solution . Otherwise, these problems have the potential to get worse and deteriorate the bond you have with your spouse.
Terrence, help your wife more at home. Work together to fix what's wrong and accept your recent decisions you both made regardless if you wished for a different outcome.
Wishing you a speedy solution and many happy years ahead-
Honey Wexler
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