Do you have aimless disagreements with your spouse? Do you feel like your marriage is being affected by on-going bickering? 

If so, take a peek at 5 common mistakes and solutions that can be used to develop conflict resolution skills helpful in improving your marriage!

5 Disagreement Mistakes & Solutions to Irradicate Them 

Spouses who are able to solve their own disagreements are more likely to enjoy a happy, long marriage.   Doing so requires good problem-solving skills that have the power to bring couples closer together following disagreements rather than drive them apart.

It helps to develop ways to stop disagreements from developing into destructive arguments all while learning to work together with love and understanding.   We suggest some simple plans, developed before a disagreement ensues, that may drastically change the outcome of common disagreements.   Let's get started!

1. Take-Take

Each spouse clings to his/her perspective about a particular problem or issue and will not compromise.

When your spouse seems unreasonable, don't assume she is wrong because it's not inline with your opinion.  Instead, if your spouse is heavily focused on her take (meaning she feels very passionate about something without compromise), approach that take with a give.  

Don't be afraid to tell your spouse you may not completely see where she is coming from, but you believe in her and her opinions. Perhaps when you feel equally passionate about something in the future, she will eventually initiate the same offer.  It may not happen right away, but the more you make offers to resolve your mutual problems with similar compromises, the more likely you and your spouse will mutually develop problem solving skills together. 

This type of relating has the power to extend your marriage and improve your mutual happiness.

For all intents and purposes, this is what leads to a give-and-take relationship.  It's a relationship that is balanced with as much compromise and empathy as love, romance and desire.  It includes mutual actions and behavior that provide for the relationship as opposed to depleting it with power struggles between the spouses.

2. Escalate a disagreement to a damaging level 

The disagreement is heading towards a full-blown argument whereas the result is nonproductive and likely harmful to the relationship.

Make a commitment with one another to limit time spent on disagreements that are going nowhere.  Here's how to know:

• You or your spouse are not giving any time to give what the other is saying some thought.  The conversation is filled with one or both spouses cutting in on each other's sentences.
• You are thinking of your response to your spouse's comments more than trying to visualize his/her perspective.
• Your voices are getting louder.
• Your pulse rate is over 100 beats per minute (16 beats every 10 seconds) or basically if you feel your heartbeat thumping or feel taking a deep breath would slow your heartrate.
• You have spent 10 minutes or more with little to no concessions on either side.
• You or your spouse have brought up something without relevance to the matter originally discussed or said something hurtful.

There may certainly be more signs your conversation is heading into an argument with no winners. 

As a couple, if these types of arguments are becoming more common, take the time to develop a de-escalation plan before another occurs.  Then use all your power to be the first person in the argument to activate it or accept the other's offer to deescalate.  A few examples couple be:

1. "Okay. Okay. I see we both feel very passionate about this.  I'm not saying you're wrong and I'm not seeing that I am either.  Let's agree to disagree and not let our feelings about this issue infect our marriage.  I love you."  Then give your spouse a minute or more to accept.  It may not happen instantly.  Be patient.
2. "Look.  I disagree with you, but I can see where you are coming from.  I also empathize with your frustration.  I admit, I am frustrated too.  But not enough to ruin our day/night over it.  Let's both give it some thought and revisit this in a couple days when we both have had time to really consider what the other has said tonight.  I promise to think about what you are saying and come up with ideas that can establish some middle ground, but not the way we are going about it tonight.  Will you accept my truce?"  It's not uncommon for some spouses who are taken off guard and still running hard in an opposing direction to deflect the fact they are upset rather than just "right".  So, empathize and restate you understand how frustrated he/she is, but that the dispute may not be settled instantly.
3. "I'm sorry" Sometimes, you are just wrong and need to admit it.  Learn to let your defenses down and just admit your spouse may have a point that you didn't realize until that moment.  Icing on the cake would be to offer appreciation for what your spouse said that changed your mind.  Be sincere and forthcoming.  Don't expect an immediate de-escalation.  It may take your spouse off guard, like a tug of war.  Be understanding and in a few minutes, voila, improved relationship skills added value to your relationship.

3. Build individual structures of the same disagreement

Each spouse is so distracted by their argument over a particular issue that he/she fails to realize the value in the disagreement is most often in the compromise rather than individual righteousness.

A useful argument is one with purpose.  In other words, it should be more like a trip to a new land where each of you discover new things you never thought you would appreciate rather than each staying home and building a big sandcastle to rival your spouse's. 

In other words, take the time to find the value in taking the trip together.  A trip where you both will try to meet on some new common ground in order to see views neither of you have seen before.  It may not always be easy to get to this new ground, but once you do, it will be a place your marriage will acquire for a lifetime, adding value and longevity to your relationship.

Otherwise, if you both argue aimlessly, each digging in deeper to the sand you both share to extract individual viewpoints focused wholly on building your side, in the end you will find the structure provides neither one support nor stability.  By nightfall, the tide will wash your castle of introverted perspectives away, neither of you appreciating the value in the other.  By morning, there will be nothing left but bad memories of building your own castle because your focus was mostly on it rather than your spouse's.  Meaning neither learned anything from the experience he/she didn't know the day before.

4. Failing to know when to say when

Each spouse has conflict habits that are harmful to the relationship and in some cases oppositional of one another leading to an impasse of common marital disagreements.  

This means one of three things, each equally harmful.

• One spouse fails to know when to disengage and the other spouse does not know how to stay engaged in problem solving.
• Both spouses share the same bad habit of avoiding seeking solutions for problems one or both spouse's face that have negatively affected their relationship.
• Both spouses are easily set-off by common problems leading to immediate escalation of small issues that create a barrier to a happy relationship.

One of the best things you could do for your marriage is to remain committed to solving common disputes together with a commitment by both spouses to follow basic dispute resolution tactics as part of a problem-solving method (see #5 below) customized for both spouses and based on their relationship, personalities and goals.

5. Arguing just to argue

So many couples lack the ability to manage their arguments.  When disagreements have no purpose, they begin to build like tornados picking up everything in their path.  It rips through the couple's relationship and uses each spouse's emotions to exploit the other's most sensitive individual flaws and relationship weaknesses to gain power.  The more each spouse engages in these types of arguments, the higher the potential for long-term damage.

As time goes on, a drizzle of disagreement quickly turns into a storm.  While some spouses actually lack compatibility with one another, others just lack good problem-solving methods to keep their disagreements aimed at a solution rather than emotional ventilation. 

Disagreements are part of the intra workings of a couple's growth, like rain on the earth.  Of course, sunshine is often preferred over rain, but occasional rain is also helpful and needed.  Luckily, in the case of a marriage, the couple has the power to keep those rain showers from turning into a destructive force in their lives.  Here's how:

Develop a basic problem-solving method like the one below that will keep problems from damaging the marriage.

Example of a Problem-Solving Method

• When a disagreement gains traction, one person needs to gain control for both in order to disallow the problem from taking control of the discussion, ultimately gaining value over your relationship.  This role should be shared between both spouses over the course of various disagreements.  If it isn't, marriage counseling and/or individual counseling may be helpful to each spouse.
• Avoid ultimatums, big decisions, confrontational behavior while emotional.
• Come up with a neutralizing statement or phrase that one spouse can use to interrupt the disagreement in order to avoid an argument.
• Commit to honoring the statement if your spouse uses the statement in a disagreement.
• Step away from each other for 15 minutes.  This allows both spouses to cool down but honors the commitment to return in 15 minutes with a clear head and improved emotions.
• While away, put the problem out of your head.  Take a walk, read a book, eat a healthy snack.
• Once you return, each spouse should tell the other spouse what he/she needs in order to feel heard and understood.  Then each spouse should repeat to the other spouse what he/she has heard in his/her own words.
• Neither needs to agree to the other's views about the specific issue rather aim to understand the other's feelings about the issue at the center of the disagreement.
• If one spouse demonstrates a greater interest in the specific issue, the other should consider if his/her interest is more of a power struggle or possibly representational of other problems in the relationship.  If so, this may be a good opportunity for that spouse to outwardly admit the other may be right, but that he/she has feelings about a connected issue that extend beyond the disagreement.  However, this should not be used as a deflection to solve the original problem nor an accusation that antagonizes the other.  Instead, it should be an opportunity to convey where his/her emotions are rooted in an attempt to resolve underlying issues.  Marriage counseling may be helpful.

Develop a closer relationship TODAY!

We hope some or all of these ideas are helpful to you and your spouse.  

Every disagreement has the power to improve a relationship.  When both sides agree to follow basic problem-solving methods and employ a de-escalation plan, they have more effective communication that unifies rather than divides.   

As always, seek counseling when traditional unification methods aren't working.  Use the DMK Directory to find a counselor and/or therapist near you.