Your divorce is over or nearly over and the holidays are in full swing.  Stress is pre-loaded in this scenario like the gooey butter cake scented oil in the Bath & Body Works® plug-ins stocking stuffers you purchased for the somewhat important people in your life.  And yet, there's something missing under the tree and it ain't your ex.

The holidays are here and your spouse is not!

The snow is starting to fall and the AI fire is crackling in the background.  Regardless how strong you are, how cool you play it, all of us let the idea slip into our heads at least once following a big breakup. 

"Wouldn't it be nice to be in love again around the holidays?" 

With romance movies streaming 24/7 on the Hallmark® channel, the idea of someone to hold, talk to, sleep with, someone to fall in love with around the holidays seems, at times, ideal.  I'm not saying we all dream of love during this stressful time; but, it definitely cycles in our long list of holiday thoughts.

 

 

But do we really want a new spouse?  

We don't recommend one right after divorce by any means, and waiting for just the right person won't work either.  And then there are those who seem super stoic against the whole idea.  Well we have a few thoughts about that too.

Three scenarios about finding a new spouse, 

Scenario 1

 "I miss being married, 10 seconds after the ink dries on my divorce"

Many of us do.  A divorce is like someone extracted half our life away from us!  It's normal to feel like something is missing in the beginning, but I assure you, it's best if it's not a spouse.   Missing marriage itself is common.  This is supported by the percentage of divorcees who go on to remarry.

In fact, most marriages in the United States last approximately 8 years, while most divorcees only remain single after divorce for approximately 3 years.  Most individuals obviously prefer to be united with someone rather than alone, despite knowing how things might end.  Moreover, more than twice as many people marry in the United States rather than divorce every year. 

 

Marriages in the United States fail too often.  Approximately 63-73% of 2nd and 3rd marriages end in divorce.   You cannot simply exchange your spouses on Match.com like gag gifts at the company Christmas party.  Guess what we all end up with at quitting time, spouses who weren't ready to be regifted. 

Solution: Take the time to get to know yourself and anyone you commit to before planning a second or third marriage following divorce.   Newly separated or divorced individuals are like fresh fruit in the many, many fruitcake stands on the long road of dating web sites, place where anyone can go to in order to feel used, brushed off and ignored, in addition to fall in love. 

Take the idea of remarriage out of your dating life and focus on falling in love rather than how to symbolize it.  Marriage shouldn't be a singular path to love or a weapon of unhappiness. 

Dater Beware.  If you attend this year's spouse exchange at work, online, at a bar or anywhere, remember there are plenty of "gag me with a spoon" potential dates; just make sure you are not one of them.  Give it a year or two after your divorce to work on "you".  You aren't responsible for fixing your ex or soon-to-be ex.  Work on getting your head straight, finances in order and emotions under control, then accept that none of these will ever be perfect.  Your new love will have issues too. We are all damaged in different ways.  So be forgiving of yourself and others.  


Scenario 2

"I assure you, I do not want another spouse!"

Your experience with those who claimed to love you, including those who actually did, is really what drives the peg through your heart or cracks the ice that keeps it frozen.  Saying you do not want another spouse is as fool hearted as saying you want one before your doomed marriage is over.  Meeting someone is not bad (yes, even if you are a good parent).  Falling in love may be like lightening, but marriage is a decision best tread lightly and perhaps with an attorney's keen advice.

Give love a chance by neither expecting or avoiding.

Don't make a decision to not want someone to love on the basis of your recent experience.  It's great to like your new single lifestyle and not need someone in it to feel complete.  That's actually the best time to meet the right person!  Just make sure you are clear about what you want when you begin your dating journey and don't fear asking others to do the same.  If you or someone else is not looking for a LTR, don't suggest otherwise in order to gain access to more potential daters.  Be clear!!

Here is how that conversation should go, "Are you seeking a LTR?".  See?  Simple.  Ask it early and before you meet.

Don't use your children as an excuse to stay single.  Children should be your priority but your life should be balanced with plenty of time for kids, career and you time.  Focusing too much on their needs won't benefit them.  Focusing on their needs, the needs of your household and social obligations is important.  But if you're hiding behind the "I'm a good parent- parishioner- employee- slave routine" know that it creates an unbalanced life picture that begins to develop lots of grey clouds over time.  These clouds may even rival the clouds that led to your most recent breakup.  So take care of yourself and don't exclude the possibility of love in your life-forecast, maybe not tomorrow, but someday.

Love works in mysterious ways.  It's wild, lost, unpredictable and funny.  It has no ideal time, age or place to find it.  New love has no history, only people do and if you let yours or others get in your way, you may be missing out on a happiness you have yet to experience and desire.

This doesn't mean you need to remarry.  But "spouse" is only a dirty word when you are divorcing.  Don't commit to emotionally and legally marrying someone until your perception of marriage has been reclaimed in a new relationship between you and someone you love! 

This starts by healing.  This includes examining your own faults in your past breakup, along with the traits of your ex that you don't seek in a new partner.  This provides you relationship experience that helps rather than sabotages a new potential marriage.


Scenario 3

"I've been divorced awhile and still nobody!"

Love has no timer.  But while we may go on in life without a husband or wife, unfortunately we marry without even knowing.  We marry our single selves. 

In a relationship, we begin to take on the traits, beliefs and considerations of the person we love.  In a good relationship, there is a flexible state of companionship shaped by the other's needs, opinions and actions.  It need not be openly recognized or with intention. It is a natural occurrence.

Married to a single lifestyle, creates a greater sense of individual.  Sure you can meld to friends, change opinions with the minds of colleagues and open your mind and heart to your home, religion and organizations.  You may keep yourself active with casual relationships, hobbies and exercise.  

And while this provides you a time in your life to expel the remnants of spouses past, at a certain point of your self relating period, you may start to relate with your single self like you would of another spouse.  The more you stay single, the harder it is to see anyone in your life, but you.  Each person seems to fail your expectations for what you seek in a dating partner.  

This may occur because your in a relationship with being single, a sort of thrupple ( you, your dating partner and your single lifestyle).  Your single self has a big advantage of being settled in and the new person is like a third wheel.  It may get harder and harder to breakup with your single life.

If you are on the other side of this, dater beware.   Get to know the signs early in a relationship with someone who values their singleton more than the prospect of loving someone else.  

Key signs you''re dating a singleton,

  • Doesn't call or text
  • Doesn't ask you how your day was or how you feel
  • Rarely talks about a future that includes you
  • Seems distracted or put off by you
  • Tells you he/she does not need to date
  • Says he/she has everything he/she wants in life
  • Never increases time spent with you over a reasonable time period

Be clear about what you and your dating partner seeks.

Newly separated or divorced individuals are like fresh fruit in the many fruit stands on the long lane of dating web sites.  No more is Match.com the only stand in town, there are many sites we can go to in order to feel used, brushed off and ignored, in addition to fall in love.  So here is how that sounds, 

After tons of time, maybe money on dates, maybe sex, intro's to family, your dating partner says, "I love being single, I don't need a relationship to be happy" 

Problem with that is, "Well, we hope individuals who start dating feel confident in their single lifestyle.  If someone indicates they seek a relationship but then use this excuse, it basically means the person does not really value you enough to breakup with being single and/or wasn't really seeking anything serious.  So be cautious and make sure you too are ready for something serious or be honest with others if you aren't, even if you are knee deep in the relationship.  Don't keep moving forward if it's just going to end eventually or make you both miserable.

He/she always says you;re right, always sees things your way and has all the right moves in just about every aspect of your life.  He/she also provides you the imagery of the right person someday while the truth be known, that perfect "point of view" grows more and more unrealistic year after year, leading you to believe one day, your single self will "settle" for the right (if not wrong) significant other.

Stop looking for the perfect person.  Then pump the brakes on your single self if you truly want someone in your life.  Make an effort and claim your life as you would like it to be, not as it is most easy to experience.  A commonly ignored ability as human beings is to find more in the power of our differences, relating with those we do not initially understand or agree.  Here we find a greater understanding of others, ourselves and joy outside of righteousness.  Here we may find the person we can truly love and understand.

There is no exact moment for everyone when we know we have past go one too many times.  It's based on the individual and for some that time never arises as they find most gratitude, solace and happiness in living alone.  But for the rest of us who have realized we just cannot find the right person and cannot understand why, it may be time to stand up and say, "Wait, I do not want to be on the road of life alone!".  You found yourself awhile ago and don't need to bypass the gift of love, this year or next.  Just know that true love is in the eye of the beholder and won't be wrapped and sitting under the tree.

In fact, it's no gift at all.  It's an intangible asset of relating and giving, trusting and believing.  It's experienced in an imperfect world, in imperfect ways.  

We hope we have provided any of you who fit into these scenarios one step closer to that you seek, when you are most ready to find it!


Happy Holidays from our DMK family to yours!  We hope your Holiday is filled with peace, joy and happiness!