Accepting your divorce, the settlement and your new life 

It's common for one spouse to rebound quicker, with significantly less emotional tie-downs, following divorce.  Often this may be the spouse who was awarded a better settlement/judgement and/or was the one who initiated the divorce.

This can provoke a great sense of blame and anger towards that spouse.  These feeling have a cyclical pattern that are like emotional quicksand.  The more anger and blame, the more you grow attached to this stage of your emotional trek. 

It makes it more difficult to "start over" as your negative feelings become a part of your everyday life.  Most times, the negativity is less noticeable to you as it is to those around you.  They may distance themselves or avoid you based on your present state-of-mind and attitude.

 

Accepting your divorce, the settlement and your new life 

It's common for one spouse to rebound quicker, with significantly less emotional tie-downs, following divorce.  Often this may be the spouse who was awarded a better settlement and/or was the one who initiated the divorce.


This can provoke a great sense of blame and anger towards that spouse.  These feeling have a cyclical pattern that are like emotional quicksand.  The more anger and blame, the more you grow attached to this stage of your emotional trek. 

It makes it more difficult to "start over" as your negative feelings become a part of your everyday life.  Most times, the negativity is less noticeable to you as it is to those around you.  They may distance themselves or avoid you based on your present state-of-mind and attitude.

Accept the divorce

To let go and accept your new life, you must first accept your divorce.  Generally, there are seven emotional stages you will experience during a divorce.  They begin with shock, denial, anger and blame.  Feelings of resentment may continue through the end of your marriage.  Many also experience depression and grief.  Your ability to cope with these emotions will vary based on your own personal situation and support system.  Many people do net get through all of the stages of divorce at their marriage's conclusion.  It usually takes many months or years following to reach the most liberating stages, letting go and moving forward.

These final stages are very difficult to reach without some emotional bruising and self-esteem damage.  Since everyone experiences divorce in his/her own way, it isn't uncommon for those closest to you to expect you to just "get-it together".  While it's important not to get stuck too long in one particular stage, it doesn't help to feel the pressure from friends and family to let go before you're capable of doing so.

Work through your feelings

Some individuals fail to recognize or process their emotions following divorce.  They may not realize how it has affected them or their family.  The added pressure they put on themselves to ignore their feelings can lead to more denial, erratic behavior or mood swings.  All can lead to bad or dangerous habits and poor lifestyle changes. 

While you shouldn't let your feelings control your life, you should deal with them constructively in order to let go of the pain from a failed marriage and accept your new life.  It's important to keep more positive in your life in order to fight against the difficult issues that spur your negative emotions.  

Accept your settlement/judgement

A legal advisor and/or court official can provide information regarding the process to amend your divorce judgement if you and your former spouse both agree on the revisions.  However, it's much more complicated if you and your former spouse are not in agreement.

The laws are specific in each state.   Seek the advice of a local attorney if you are interested in filing an appeal based on an error the court made when applying the law to your case.  In rare situations, the court may consider an appeal if there is new evidence.  However, it’s extremely difficult to appeal a divorce judgement that’s been fully executed by you and your former spouse and approved by the court.  This is especially true if it was part of a settlement.

A modification may be necessary, based on changes following your divorce (e.g. loss of a job, moving for employment, health problems). You should speak with a legal professional for guidance.  In some cases, the costs to pursue a modification exceed the benefit and/or the case would be a risk (based on probability of success) that would negate the potential support increase and/or other changes sought.  The easiest way to a successful modification is when both spouses agree on the changes.

If no changes have taken place that would warrant a modification, accepting the judgement to decrease it’s negative affect on your life is essential.  There are many ways to do so.  They all start with letting go.   Whatever it is that you feel you have lost, it’s gone.  Set it free and you'll be free.  It’s one of the most emotionally rewarding moments in your life, when you demonstrate the strength and desire to free yourself from such an emotional burden.

If you can’t do this, it may help to speak with a legal professional who can quickly determine if your on-going concerns are worth the frustration.  Sometimes, it helps to have a professional actually tell you the potential reward is not worth the agony and/or you have no case to pursue.  

Many attorneys offer a low cost or free consultation.  It may be the finality you have lacked since your divorce finalized.  If you don’t take the legal steps to satisfy your concerns of injustice, then all you’re doing is using your divorce as an excuse for bitterness, knowing you don’t really believe such injustice even warrants your time or money to pursue.

Accept your new life

This is the acceptance of something unknown.  Your future.  It is filled with good times, a few wrong turns and many new opportunities.  The downside is that it doesn't really start until you free yourself of the emotional baggage you have been carrying around.  You can pretend you're okay while still harboring all the pain, hurt, anger and blame.  But, this baggage will just pull you down and in the wrong direction for a new start.   Any losses you have incurred will be worsened by additional loss of time, money and happiness.

Accept life as it is now and try not to compare it to what it was when you were married with more family time or assets.  Divorce is a loss that provides the opportunity to gain a better life for you and each member of your family.  It isn't easy.  It doesn't happen over night and it leaves some emotional scars that may never completely heal.  But don't let that hold you back.  You will acquire many scars in your lifetime that provide you emotional maturity, empathy and strength.  How you overcome such setbacks is what makes the difference.

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