Leave it to stress, heartbreak and financial hardship to bring out the worst in us.  It can make us feel like we're living someone else's life. 

No friends of mine

At some point the surreal nature of the changes we experience hit us hard.  Despite being completely over some of the worst habits of our past, we begin to let them seep back into our lives like an angry friend calling to check-in on our well being.

We believe these friends, our bad habits, are definitely available to make our rotten day better, at first.  They are absolutely there for us when we can't take another bad call from our attorney about our divorce.  And they are always available when the right people and things we really need are not.

Oh!  But what crafty deals we make with these bad habits.  We'll just have one glass of wine, bum one cigarette or eat one pint of super chocolate chunk, double brownie ice cream.  As time goes on, our innocent indulgence may turn into a bottle of wine, pack of cigs and a fricken' gallon of Rocky Road, all - to - gether

It happens, what can we say, life and divorce aren't easy.

It doesn't matter if we haven't fallen for these bad habits in years, once we get a taste, it becomes harder to quit than before.  Rest assured this is something that's very common for divorcees.  But, so is depression, financial hardship and poor odds for a new marriage that doesn't also end in divorce.  

Specifically, it's common for these old friends to reemerge during the third and forth stages of the Stages of Divorce.  These stages are reflective of our feelings, emotions and behaviors and can occur during any part of the divorce process.  This means we may pick up some former bad habits at the beginning of our divorce and/or years after.  

We have our reasons

Stress, anxiety, depression and lifestyle changes can cause us to crave bad habits in order to replace what's missing in our life.  We may recognize the sudden change in finances, extra household chores and new single lifestyle, but fail to really understand how these changes affect our emotions, mood and decisions.

Many of us find ourselves looking for something or someone to put our old, comfortable lifestyle back in place.   We may not consciously realize it, but our actions and choices can often been linked to this need.  Sadly, for many, this former lifestyle wasn't working either.

Subconsciously, we may miss our spouse or our bad relationship.  The relationship likely had a consuming affect on our everyday life.  But, once removed, a void exists and we simultaneously wish to replace it with a new vice or life drama that's ready and willing to take control of us. 

It makes sense to replace our feelings of loss with more bad relationships, habits or behaviors.  We may be drawn to hard-to-solve problems, damaged people and their issues.   It's the reason we grab a cola and cheese curls rather than migrate towards healthy choices when we start to feel down or depressed.   It's why we may feel that despite our best efforts, "trouble" seems to find us (unable to recognize how).

In fact, negative thoughts and behaviors are several times more likely to consume our attention.  Tabloids make millions reporting scandals and bad behavior of the rich and famous! 

We buy, search and track negative stuff constantly online.  Just look at how our nation has reduced cigarette smoking.  We removed one bad habit and added a new multi-million dollar vaping industry and legalized marijuana.  Like, what?! 

We naturally seek replacements.  But, now is the time to really decide what's in our way from attaining our true happiness.  After all,  we've made an impressive decision to better our life and future through divorce. 

It totally s*cks to fall for some stupid vice after being so courageous!  It may help to identify these sneaky habits sooner rather than later.

Below we have listed a few easy ways to determine if your innocent indulgence is actually a bad habit worth quitting.

1. Signs of addiction

Is your new habit something that you gave up before due to problems associated with it that negatively affected your relationships, job, finances or health?  Seriously!  Think about this question like your life depends on it.  Without good health and well-being, good relationships, enough money and personal happiness, what do you have besides a vice or habits that destroy them?

If the answer is yes, then quit your life destroying habit(s) immediately.  Take charge of each problem and find a solution that helps you quit.  Ask close friends and family members for emotional support.  Contact your health insurance provider for a list of treatment centers, if necessary.  Locate support groups, therapists and counselors in your area for additional emotional support.  Don't blame others or look for excuses, not because other's aren't responsible and you don't have excuses.  Because blaming them and looking for excuses are roots from the past when what you really need are seeds for the future. 

There may be numerous reasons for your addiction, but reasons aren't always excuses.   You are the only one who has the control to make the changes in your life to completely eradicate these bad choices. 

DMK Been There, Done That Advice

Consider your addiction as part of one person and your strength and conviction for betterment of another.  Your addict has numerous excuses and reasons not to allow your strongest self make life changing decisions that would empower you to overcome your addictions and weaknesses, ultimately destroying your addict.  

Addiction isn't easy, but only you can empower your strength to overtake your weakness.

2. Makes you feel terrible

Does your bad habit cause poor health, depression or feelings of being defeated?

Why waste a single day doing something that causes you to feel worse?  Usually you choose these habits because you are suffering in some way.  In the case of divorce it is usually due to stress, loss and life changes.  Perhaps some of us choose to go back to these old habits to punish ourselves or those who love us. 

It seems ironic that we choose habits that cause a lot of the same bad emotions and feelings associated with the reasons why we choose them in the first place.  It's common when a familiar thing is removed from our life that we would choose an old habit from the past to provide us comfort.  It's hard to admit to ourselves that it wasn't such a bright idea.  In many ways, we know our habit doesn't help.  But, it provides a source of comfort and familiarity.  Once we realize that it isn't helping, it makes us feel even worse because it's a part of ourselves that is controlled by our weakness.  Regardless why we welcome them back into our life, we are eventually reminded why we quit them before and want to quit them again.

3. Everyone tells you to quit

Do your family and friends tell you to stop doing something that is worrisome to them or unhealthy for you?

Sometimes it is difficult in a time of grief and disappointment, as in a divorce, to see how damaging something or someone can be for us.  Our friends and family members are our "check engine" light.  Don't ignore it.  If the people you love the most are sounding an alarm about a bad habit, it's likely for a good reason.  

Don't dismiss concerns from those you trust because it's a habit that formerly annoyed your spouse.  Sometimes we choose to do something that we know would defy our former relationship, out of anger and frustration for that person. 

Don't let negative feelings drive your negative choices and behaviors.  The love you have for your family, friends and yourself should be tremendous and must outweigh the attraction to your negative decisions.  That love should also be more important than any disdain for your ex or those who have caused you pain.  If you really want to annoy those people, be successful at being your new, happier, healthier self.  Do it your way without hate for them or the non-help of old bad habits.  

-OurDMK.com



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