Everyone goes through a breakup differently.  Depending on your circumstances, personality, peer support and desire to split, the experience can be anywhere from inconvenient to heart wrenching.

For most of us though, it ranges somewhere between painful to the latter.  A little help getting through it doesn't hurt!

 

Don't worry, we got you

We aren't providing information from a therapeutic standpoint.  For that, seek counseling from a reputable professional.  Instead, we write from experience and give you an opinion, like a trusted girlfriend.

Live, learn and recover

How you process your loss can either make the experience persist or provide the steppingstones needed to move out, move on and move up. 

As part of our ongoing DMK Contributor Section, 'Girl! In Our Opinion', we put together ten rules of breaking up that may reduce your state of breakup purgatory.

You probably already know the right thing to do.  But, if you're like the rest of us during a bad breakup, the wrong things seem so right only to find later they were obviously soooo wrong.

Girl, we get it!  There's gonna be drama.  Things are gonna be said, sh*t's gonna happen.  The goal is to come out of it with the least amount of emotional, familial & social damage possible.

 

DMK Top Ten Breakup Rules

Part of the DMK Contributor Section, 'Girl! In Our Opinion'

Consider these less like rules and more like a breakup sobriety check (like when you're lying awake all night pissed off, lonely and craving your third pint of Ben & Jerry's Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough™).  Then such rules may help keep the damage from said drama off your mind, Instagram® and hips!  wink

Some rules are meant to be broken, once

Just like life, our losses usually come with some serious low points.  You're totally normal if you break some rules at least once. 

Hopefully, the more you stick to them, the shorter, less painful your overall breakup experience.  


10. Make the decision and stick with it

One of the hardest parts of some breakups is to go through it more than once with the same person.  Establish your spouse or significant other is not the right person and move on.  Or, if he has done so, accept it and move on. 

Either way, one of you decided to break up; so, there was a serious enough reason (even if his was a dumb one). 

In most cases, despite one problem being the deciding factor of your split, there are often numerous smaller issues that will continue to put stress on the relationship if you were to stay together.

Odds are against you without help

If you are among some of us who have found our way back to love anyway, the relationship is often doomed without professional intervention.  And sadly, while both may enter into a honeymoon phase upon reconciliation with plans to eventually get therapy/counseling, many couples lack the initiative to take action before the old problems resurface and cause an even deeper rift.  

Not the same as a planned separation

It's worth mentioning, our opinions over breaking up and getting back together do not refer to taking some time apart to work on your relationship or mutually deciding if it's worth saving. 

In such a circumstance just be sure you both agree on whether yours will be an open relationship (date other people) until decisions to reconcile are made.

9. Don't disregard the "cooling-off period"

You know your spouse or significant other.  If a quick fling (as in any physical contact) immediately following your breakup will cause problems that in turn affect you, don't do it.   One of you will obviously be the first to leap into the dating scene and the other needs to accept that when it happens.   A cooling off period helps with that, as well as reduce the occurrence of other avoidable issues following a breakup (especially if it was an impulsive decision that led to it).

While we totally don't encourage serial breakups and reconciliations (as noted in #10), the reality is that most of us have been in at least one relationship where we decided to end it only to find what we were doing was actually "taking a break".   Obviously, this is not a way to solve relationship problems, but it is still super common.

If you love the person, you're with and either of you decided to breakup or take a break, don't just get with the first warm body because the bed feels cold.  It's totally advised to reach out to friends and family right away for emotional support but looking for solace through sex with a stranger or worse yet, someone you both know, usually makes things worse.

Do you owe your ex this respect? 

Not necessarily, but a little prudence for a reasonable period won't hurt.  Moreover, and especially if he has not shown mutual constraints immediately following the breakup, respect yourself enough to know that your own rebound hook-up won't really help.  It's a temporary fix that may cause far more problems than it's worth.

This being said, know that the time to wait varies and is based on you, your ex and your former and current relationship.  It could be a few weeks to a year or more and need not be an agreed upon time or even discussed with your ex.  

Furthermore, this doesn't mean to hold onto hope that one day you two will magically get back together.   It also doesn't imply you want to get back together.  It just means you respect yourself and your former relationship enough to cool off before you heat up with someone new.  Get over the past, get healthy then move on.

8. No hooking-up with your ex

The very last person to seek satisfaction is your ex.  Emotions following a recent breakup run high and a meaningless one-time or intermittent physical relationship is theoretically impossible. 

Almost always, doing so may lead to conflicting feelings in one or both individuals.  It can bring old feelings back to the surface and cause the breakup recovery to take longer than necessary. 

In most cases, sex was not the problem in the relationship and doing so will not solve anything.

If sex was the problem, once the honeymoon phase wears off, the same problems are likely to reemerge.  

In the case of divorce, a physical relationship with your soon-to-be ex-spouse may have legal consequences. So, don't do it!

7. Don't hold out for your ex to "come around" and realize he wants you back

When it's time to let go and move on, do so.  If your ex is seemingly "holding out" in your mind or just not getting it, know that in many situations like these, he never will.  Ever.

Every  day you waste waiting just hurts you!  It's over and for your own good, keep it that way.  Once you've worked through your heartbreak or bitter outragefoot-in-mouth, move on. 

Move on?  How?

Meet new people, go to new places and learn what you always wanted to learn.  Accept yourself or improve what you can't accept.

If you just can't get over him after things have cooled off, some people have found that casual dating may be a good distraction.   This doesn't mean "hooking-up" if that's not what you want; it just means getting out there and meeting new people (because staying in and laying around gets old). 

Other than your little hang-up over your ex, you should be in a good place emotionally before you start dating or expect to burn through dates like tires in the Indy 500. 

Be honest

Remember to treat your dates as you would want to be treated.  Be upfront about what you're looking for in a relationship and that you recently ended a serious one.  Just don't overshare too soon about the drama from the past (even if he asks).  He's not your counselor and it's none of his business.  Truth be told, most drama about the past ends up being too much if shared in the beginning anyway.

Be selective and you'll find the right guy instead of just another guy

Don't expect to meet Mr. Right within the first year after your breakup.  In many cases, there is going to be a buffer period where you may have a couple short-term relationships that fizzle out before realizing what you really want or don't want in a relationship. The good news is that every date after your breakup, your emotional attachment to your ex is lessened.  

6. Don't make threats EVER

Don't threaten to take your spouse's kids, make him pay or embarrass him at work or with his family and friends.  Don't threaten to take his personal property, money or home.  

If there is any reason to warrant legal action, take the appropriate steps to achieve it.  If the threats are not legal in nature (such as embarrassing him) just know that certain suggestions or wrongful behavior may have legal repercussions for you.

Threatening one another just leads to a contentious breakup and/or divorce.  The result is often both sides aimlessly spending money, experiencing more emotional turmoil, and losing more than both gains.

In many cases, things may be said in the heat of the moment.  While they can't be unsaid and, in some situations, you plan to carry through with certain legal remedy, using your plans as a verbal weapon is counterproductive. 

If something's been said with regret, you don't necessarily need to apologize unless you feel it will improve your friendship after the breakup or ease negotiations in a divorce.

When it comes to threats to commit a crime, to include harming yourself or others, there is no leeway or flexibility.  JUST DON'T DO IT.  Instead, such feelings are so harmful you should turn to a health professional (physician, therapist, counselor) for guidance.  Then get an attorney. 

5. Cyber glance and get it over with

What can we say, you know you're going to do it the first chance you get following the news your ex has anything happening in his life other than you?  Maybe sooner.

So, we won't begin to tell you not to peek, at least once.  But refrain from stalking him or anyone with whom he's moved on with on social media or otherwise.  Also, never, ever post about him or his new girlfriend, "like" their posts, follow them (or their friends) or make comments directly to them.  

If you are already a friend or follower, you need to unfriend your ex within a couple days of breaking up to avoid the temptation and to show your moving forward (which means you don't care at all what's going on in his life, even if you totally do).  You need to be the first to unfollow whenever possible since some platforms only allow one person of the two to do so.

OMG!  What just happened?

We all know the horror stories of the accidental "like" from passing our phone from friend-to-friend to show everyone "her" Instagram® page, so keep your clumsy thumbed friends at a distance.  Seriously.  How does that happen?!

In fact, it's best not to share your short-term obsession with his life after you with anyone.  It makes you look, well, obsessed and a little pathetic.  Seriously, verbally vent as needed, but don't be that person who never lets it go. 

Some things never go away

Finally, never leave remnants of your "crazy" anywhere like social media, email, texts (especially if involved in a legal divorce).  Such documented evidence of breakup behavior, sentiment or ex bashing may be used against you in a legal battle.  Most likely it doesn't represent your normal "self" anyway (though a judge won't view it that way).  

Plus! You've seen it like the best of us.  Friends, celebrities, even politicians take to social media to announce to the world how someone has done them wrong.  They used the platform to warn everyone how someone they formerly loved or endorsed is the biggest scum of the earth.  And while it may be the case, we still read it and think "ouch"!

Why?  Cause we've all wanted to do the exact same thing once or twice only glad we had some girlfriend or just plain ol' common sense stop us. 

And while regrets of those who didn't hold back also popped up in their head about 6 hours (or 6 minutes) after their dreadful post (as documented by many being deleted) we all know, that's the kind of sh*t that never really goes away.  So, avoid doing it at all costs. 

4. Don't trash talk your ex... too much

We suspect a therapist would tell you to avoid the negativity and drama from gossiping or venting about your ex to friends or family.  But it's going to happen and we're going to go so far and actually advise you to let it.  Keeping it in and being the bigger person is admirable, but when the breakup doesn't necessarily provoke a need for therapy, but still gets you a bit pissy, it helps to have your say about what happened without a counterpoint. 

Work through it with your peers

In fact, when we say our peace about our breakup and our lousy ex, we may start to hear ourselves for the first time.  It's so common when arguing with someone we loved to begin to hold our righteousness so strong we begin to lose track of our original qualms, instead focusing solely on "being right".  While it may take weeks, months or even years to begin to see the problems may have gone well beyond what we found wrong with our ex or our relationship, talking about it with trusted confidants may be helpful.  You may never fully agree with his side of the disagreement(s), but it may provide an opportunity to realize where things went wrong and how your contribution to it may be avoided in future relationships. 

It may also help you forgive your ex and yourself for regrettable aspects leading to the breakup.

We suggest a few tips before you engage in this activity.

Trash Talking Tips

  • Don't focus your communications with others solely on your breakup, your relationship's fallout or your ex.  Make ex bashing less than 30% of any conversation.
  • Don't spread lies.  Don't overshare suspicions or opinions about your ex. 
  • Don't socially share personal information, pictures or written communication shared by your ex to you.
  • If what you want to say makes you feel vindicated, better or "good" hurts others, the less you say the better.
  • Have your trash talk period then get over it.  If you can't, get professional guidance to help you or risk damaging your friendships, familial relationships, and life.
  • If you feel what you're saying to others you care about makes them uncomfortable, stop sharing.
  • Remember, there is no "winner" in a breakup.  Usually, there are mistakes on both sides as well as losses.  If you think of yourself as the only loser following a breakup, regardless of if you made little contribution to the relationship's breakdown, in most cases therapy may be a good idea.  If you think of yourself as the winner, it's possible you had more to do with the relationship's failure than you care to admit to yourself. 
  • Remember, your good friends are your friends.  They may not always tell you what you need to hear for fear it may hurt you when you don't need any more hurt.  In most cases they are right to do so because what you need to hear may not be what you readily need.  You may just need some emotional support rather than personal guidance.  So, expect most venting to end with consoling rather than steadfast advice that you can take back to your ex, to a lawyer or otherwise.
  • Consider advice when given, even when it initially differs from your opinion.  However, don't act on it unless you feel it's right for you.  Remember, while friends may offer genuine advice, they are observers of your relationship, not participants.  Their advice and opinions will be based on that as well as their own experience and wisdom (just like DMK), not education or training.  It may still be extremely helpful but refrain from reading too much into a contrary opinion to your decisions or steadfast solution to your problems. 
  • Many of us have learned to never share details that may affect a legal case.  Friends can be deposed or called to testify which can put them in a serious dilemma that ruins your friendship.  Also, some friends you think you can trust may surprise you when the news is big.  So, it's better to keep some things unsaid.  For legal advice regarding your case related to this issue, consult your attorney.

3.  Don't look for answers from your ex's friends and/or family

It's so difficult when what you think is a strong relationship suddenly falls apart.  In most cases, you're long committed even after the breakup while your ex may have been "disconnected" for months or even years before the fateful end.   

It's common to have tunnel vision regarding your search for answers.  You may want to reach out to others who know your ex for an explanation that he was unable or unwilling to share with you, but perhaps provided to them.  It may seem reasonable to seek such answers, at all costs, given the magnitude of life changes your breakup provokes. 

Rest assured your desire for answers is normal, but actions like these to satisfy it after the breakup are not.  Unless the situation involves some type of dangerous behavior that risks the life of you, your spouse, or others it's important to accept.  IT'S OVER.  As in, no answer as to why will change that.  So why ask?

Regardless of how much of a mistake you think your ex is making, the longer it takes for you to accept the breakup only makes things harder on you and everyone.  

Closure can be established in many ways but getting answers regarding personal feelings or information your ex chose not to share with you can be both painful and unnecessary, not to mention, uncomfortable for those you contact.

Any answers from others are not only insignificant to your relationship as it is at the present time but said non-essential communication with "his" side of the family or mutual friends regarding your ex or relationship is crossing a boundary.  It violates your trust in your ex and is a direct infringement of his privacy. 

It can lead to legal problems and damage relationships, not only between you and him, but between your ex and his social and familial circle.  If you are struggling to let go of someone you love, you should not want to jeopardize anything in that person's life unless you value your needs and feelings above your ex's, as well as others also affected by the breakup.

Furthermore, once the "love" goggles slowly get removed and answers fail to provide anything productive in your moving forward, your actions and behavior during the breakup will be additional remnants from the relationship to get over.  For many of us, it becomes the hardest thing to get past and for which to forgive...yourself.

2. Don't fake or lie about anything to anyone or practice reverse psychology 

Like so many things in life, some of us tend to act to elicit our desired reactions from others.  While this rule is a bit complex, the basic principle is simple.  Be true.

That means, speak honestly, behave respectfully, and promise nothing.  To further explain, we provided a list of what not to do regarding this rule.

  • Don't try to make your ex jealous by faking anything (relationships, interests in others, pregnancy, illness, etc.)
  • Don't do things to get a reaction from your ex (including passive aggressive behavior)
  • Don't lie about your real intentions or feelings (even if they differ from the present course the relationship is heading)
  • Don't pretend to be "put out", annoyed or emotionally damaged by your ex's choices in order to gain an advantage, pity or renewed interest
  • Don't say you will do, give, let go or accept what you suspect you won't, can't or shouldn't 
  • Don't manipulate your ex or others regarding your situation

Essentially, be honest with yourself and others.  Don't let your emotions drive your actions to affect the emotions of others.  In most cases the results are rarely as we hope.

1. Don't replace one problem with a new one

We live in a replacement society.  When we relinquish anything or let go of anyone, many of us look for a replacement to fill the void in our life.  In some cases, we may find what we seek.  We easily find people and activities that provide a positive means to move forward.  

But often the habits and friends we initially turn to aren't necessarily good for us.  In most cases, they're temporary and for good reasons.  Otherwise, the price you pay may outweigh any initial benefit. 

The last thing you need is to get over someone and out of the problems that went with him only to find more problems, worse than what you just unloaded. 

And yet it's so darn hard to get through the rough patch without seeking some consolation. 

But WHY?!

Sometimes we fill the void of loneliness or boredom unknowingly.  We just gravitate towards anything that keeps our mind off our breakup.  We may not know what it is we really want; we just know we feel like something is missing in our life.

We may seek a knight in shining armor.  And at first, anyone or anything that provides some relief from our pain may seem better than what we lost.

In our haste to scramble to find an instant replacement, old friends may reemerge - be it smoking, alcohol, junk food or any old habit in which we simply lost interest.  In some cases, it may be a person from our past. 

Regardless, most of these habits, activities, and people that we eliminated from our life are best left out of it today.  Trust yourself, if you had a good reason to end your relationship and quit such habits, there's little chance you won't come to the same conclusion, only this time it may be harder to quit.

Addictions and dependencies aside - ice cream, a glass of wine, a vape here or there may very well happen.  But you're an adult, your own life leader, master of your body.  F*ck it up at will.  Just know you only get one body in a lifetime.

So, know when to say when.  Then, if a little overindulgence occurs, forgive yourself and forget about it.  That means, "throw it back".  Bad habits and toxic people aren't keepers.  

Then get your sh*t together and start your actual breakup recovery.

Addictions

If you do have an addiction, dependency or craving for something unhealthy which you struggled to quit, know that life changing stressors like a breakup will absolutely challenge you to your fullest.  Don't let the desire to succumb to your demons creep up on you. 

Be proactive.  Expect your craving at the first sign of relationship trouble. Talk to a professional, attend meetings or peer support groups even if you feel okay immediately after you agree to split.

Know that you were strong enough to quit before and the biggest thing that's changed is your breakup.  So, get out there and get your day, your free time and your life filled with positive, supportive people and activities to avert the breakup blues that bring about a potential relapse.  

Breakups can damage self-esteem.  Such a dip in our confidence can lead anyone down the wrong path.  Know that your strength is the power to overcome your weakness.  So, before your addiction takes advantage of your temporary low point, gather what you learned about your strengths and ability to overcome during your recovery to reassert your confidence in yourself. 

Remember what you thought when you made the decision to abstain, how you fought back and took control.  Find your strength despite your weakness and keep those demons out of your life.


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