I guess it was a mid-life crisis.  It happened in my mid 40's and evoked a crisis that was compelling if not catastrophic.  But was it really a midlife crisis or a righting of my life?   Explore with me...

The reason I submitted this story for publishing is because there are many people out there just like me. 

Most of my life I have sought more.  I worked hard and dreamt big.  My life, wife, family, and everything we achieved had never been enough.  If we attained one class level, we sought the one above it.  That held true for my children's education, our career, investments, etc.

Things appeared good.  And appearances were important.  Looking back, I realize I identified more with appearances than the true dynamic of my family and life.  Even though it had never been enough, somehow, I was satisfied with the process.

Precrisis

One day, everything changed.  My wife left me.  She didn't tell me she was leaving; she just left. 

I found out when a sheriff made a surprise announcement at my office by serving me with a Petition for Divorce.  It was bad since I was the owner of my company and rumors were damaging to my credibility.  Though, I admit it would be bad for anyone.

Why would she tell me this way?

Friends, family, and employees were as dumbfounded as I was regarding the reason, she chose the formal method of process service to let me know our marriage was over. Some of my employees didn't believe I had no knowledge of what was coming while others spread rumors that I must have been some domestic abuser, you know' like, wife fleeing in the middle of the night kind of thing (no offense to those who had to do that).   But nothing like either of those were even remotely true.  

Nope.  My wife just got bored and no longer loved me, I guess.  She never gave me a specific answer as to why and while I thought to demand an answer as part of our settlement, my attorney wisely advised against it.  

Truly at the time, I would have forfeited tens of thousands of dollars to know.  Only after time and a great deal of personal reflection do I see how pointless that would have been.  

Legal case takes precedent

My attorney's reason not to pursue an answer was obvious.  If I were committed to proceeding, and at that point I was, what good would come from learning a subjective answer from someone who didn't have the tact or courage to provide one initially. 

She also added that my spouse's decision to announce her departure from our marriage was likely a tactical move and should be met with equal legal measure if I were to achieve the settlement I desired.

While the advice was good, the latter became more significant later than I imagined.  

Our settlement didn't come easy.  I can't say I wasn't as petty as her at times and looking back at it now, I am still ashamed of some of my behavior during our separation.  I fought to win some things that I knew were important to her, but in my mind then, I also really wanted.

Dig your heels in cause this tug-of-war is just getting started

The separation went on and on and she frequently had terrible things to say about me dragging it out to mutual friends.  The more she said, the more I did exactly what she said.  I refused to budge.  We both brought up numerous issues that our mediators (yes there were 3) continued to reiterate were not beneficial to the process. 

Truth be told, my initial delay eventually spurred on her retaliatory attitude.  She dated and went through a couple of boyfriends throughout the process.  I can only suppose our settlement meetings were not good for new love.  I think in some ways, she blamed me for the problems in her life after we separated and when something went wrong for her, she would bring her frustration to the table, making those sessions miserable for everyone.  

Regardless, our lives were embittered with a constant plague of negative energy.  Both of our lives were overcome with a thirst for the "gold" so to speak.  Our marital estate was significant, and truth be told, was achieved by both our hard work at home and in our careers.  

The real crisis begins

We went through hearings, mediation(s), and finally collaborative sessions that all failed.  The attorneys that continued throughout the process were preparing for a trial when my crisis got worse.

Just like millions, COVID was a shock.  We both owned phenomenally successful businesses that during the pandemic, were shut down.  With two large homes, cars, college tuition, a vacation home, and recent renovations on my three restaurants, maintenance, and temporary child support - it didn't take long for me to go through my liquid assets and begin to dip into our investment accounts.  Her finances were also dire, though her business was less affected.

In my thirst for achieving an equitable settlement, I failed to realize just how much time, money, and attention I dedicated to a pointless expedition.  Like Ahab, I began to see my life fused with my ongoing divorce. 

A whale of a case but the snake is the real threat

Instead of a whale, I pursued a snake that wrapped and coiled around my life and my family's life, squeezing every bit of life from us.  Every day spent was like another layer of a snake's skin laced over us.  Little did I recognize how the dynamic nature of the beast was created, nourished, and angered by our behavior.  Its existence completely dependent on us and our pursuit thereof, though I didn't see it that way at the time.

In my pursuit, I envisioned my snake as the barrier to a resolution.  My pursuit of it, like a hunter, was to kill.  Like an ending so blunt, I expected my kill to represent a clean win at the finish line.   Every detail from my perspective - right, every asset I demanded - mine, my idea of a good parenting plan - the best. 

Till death do us part

If I could kill the damned snake, I would win.  I just knew it.

If you asked me, I could rationalize every demand as a demonstration of a hardworking, caring father who was halved by a heartless, irresponsible woman.   A man who would fight and eventually destroy her vision of her initial quest for a better life without me.

Call it like it is

It took my near loss of my home, my assets, and my businesses to jolt me back to life, for which I failed to even realize I had nearly destroyed along with everyone else's life.  I realized most of what I sought was nearly gone, my kids in college, my cash gone, my businesses closed, my assets dwindling.  

Once that happened, I realized how much I identified with my fight, how much I thought everyday about it.  I would think of things she would say, do or had done and call my attorney to "run my ideas of how we could use it" against her.  I would spend the weekend thinking of strategies and plans to gain the most advantageous tax settlement because I honestly knew she wasn't clued in on some of it.  Yeah, I know, I'm a jerk.  But my hunter - warrior was in full throttle and it was changing who I was, it changed me.  

As the pandemic continued to rally, I spent my days at my empty restaurants planning for when we would reopen, thinking about my money and how I would fight to the end to keep most of it.  I could have spent the time with my kids, working on my home, getting healthy.  It was a perfect time to attain these goals as I knew I may never have such availability again.  At 70 hours on most weeks, I never had such an opportunity.  But all I could see in front of me was a massive snake that I needed to destroy.

Let's settle!

Towards the end of our quarantine, and following a good, big bite out of my assets, it finally occurred to me that once the estate was settled, I would be divorced.  I wouldn't have her in my life, the accounts would be finalized in separate names.  No more strategizing, attorney rants, investment meetings, appraisers, agents.  My snake disappears and there would be no hunter warrior necessary.  It would be done, over.  All that she started; the end would finally end.

I realized that was also the trouble.  I grew dependent on the fight, the behavior, my identity as a warrior, the one who was right -good and wrong.  It took me about 2 weeks to finally come to terms with what I was doing.

Yes, I was in crisis. Not upon my realization, though most people may have thought me crazy during this very painful revelation.  Yes, I cried, I got mad, I got frustrated.  I weighed in at 260, but I ate and ate and ate during these weeks.  I drank, I partied.  It may definitively seem I was in crisis and a therapist would conquer, but the reality was that was just my final send off to such a crazy time in my life.   I had enough.

While I went through numerous stages of grief to include turning against everyone at one point, then myself at another, I eventually began to see little benefit in feeding the boa constrictor.  It existed on my anger, blame, and hurt.  I fed it long enough.

I reclaimed my life

Upon realizing what I was doing, I called my attorney and said one word.  "Settle."

Though the call was a little weird, my attorney got the message.  It was over.

I'm not a spiritual guy, but my daughter is smart.  She told me I found my Zen - though I'm not sure really what that means, I knew she was right, I found some inner peace.  I realized the benefit in ending my divorce was larger than the benefit I would potentially attain if we went to trial.

Once I settled, everything in my life changed.  Coincidentally or not, my restaurants were approved to reopen only weeks later.  I started a new managed weight loss plan; I stopped my hypervigilant focus on money and guess what happened. 

I lost money (even after my settlement).  But I never thought I was wrong because even with less money and a change in lifestyle, I was happier.  I ignored what others thought about what I gave up because it was my life.  I was responsible for it and the leader and CEO of "me". 

Then something remarkable happened.  Life began to return to normal.  As the pandemic restrictions and economic downturn started to lift so did my financial well-being.

Let go and let live

Business was slow, but my investments were experiencing record high growth.  My other business ventures (including my stake in my ex-wife's) were also experiencing growth.  She even asked me to consult on business operations and shared some marketing ideas that helped mine.  

I gave great attention to being a better, more present dad and my kids started to ask to spend time with me again.   I eventually met someone incredibly special in my life and after some counseling, I learned how to make communication a priority in a relationship (something I'm sure I lacked in my previous marriage).

Don't get me wrong, there are still a good deal of changes and challenges I have come to accept and get past, and I still have tough days. 

But overall, I appreciate all that I have and see my life as a good one. 

One of my first challenges was to accept the fact that settling was not a firework show, there really wasn't a finish line and I never really caught my snake, but I defeated it.

Know thyself

I just had to realize something I was before I fell out of love.  I'm a lover, not really a fighter.  I'll leave that for the attorneys as I am sure mine already has a new angry ex-husband to squeeze.  Not that I have any ill-will towards her, she did her job and was a good legal expert. 

But I won't be sending her a Christmas card. 

No, divorce is behind me, and I don't want another one so it's best to move forward without specific people and issues that bring about bad memories.  I don't forget about yesterday, instead I am thankful to have gained wisdom and maturity from the past, but my focus is on today and tomorrow.  It only took 2 years and 1 month and over $32,000 in legal expenses to figure that out.

Move forward

Lesson learned guys and I hope you learn sooner than I did because you read this article and this one simple sentence.

"If your own snake is squeezing the life right out of you, know that the problem isn't your ex, your attorney, or your divorce, it's you."   

Moreover, this mantra could be applied to anything in one's life. 

I found that when I think of this statement when making decisions related to family, home, or business, I overcome the obstacle (snake) in my way of a happier, healthy outlook and life.  The more I see the positive results in different scenarios, I realize how a renewed outlook and open mind provides more than the conquest of being right or fighting for what I deem fair.  Yes.  Sometimes, fighting for what you believe in is important, but in most cases, compromise is incredibly beneficial.

In some ways, my divorce opened a door to life betterment that I never knew existed.  Would I want to go through it again?  Of course not and I don't necessarily feel stronger for surviving it. 

But I am wiser, and I feel my strength building every day.  I doubt I'll even know when I'm stronger than before all this happened.

Realistically, things are so different, in many ways better, and I doubt I'll really notice a need to feel stronger individually since now I place greater value on love with the person I am with, greater understanding of my children and wisdom to recognize happiness doesn't necessarily come from being right or deserving, for me, it starts with peace, empathy and forgiveness.

In other words, I feel secure and capable of letting go when the time is right and knowing how to let go, even when it initially seems wrong.  This is better than being smart enough to negotiate betterment, it's the emotional intelligence to accept your losses to achieve betterment. 

Does it mean you should give up?  No, just let go of what keeps you from seeing your own situation clearly enough to recognize the benefit of letting some things go.

Shed your anger, your grief, and your desire to "win" and attain what you really seek now, personal happiness and success.  Because in the end, no one really wins, we just survive, and our only conquest is our wisdom, concept of what it means to be happy, and strength to rebuild. 

As my father always said, "Son, sometimes you just need to accept your losses and move on and only you can be the one who should choose to do so."