Now's the time to spring forward, no hold-backs. Let go of all that harms you from your divorce as well as the problems acquired during the weeks, months or years after.
Why did you get divorced?
Without love and commitment from both spouses, the marriage is doomed and individual happiness of each spouse diminished. Divorce has the power to open the door to a better future.
While it may not be the sentiment of each spouse at the time of filing, divorce is about a quest for a better life for each spouse, as single individuals.
Changes after divorce
DMK is committed to helping readers, like you, have a better understanding of the divorce process. But the majority of our site is meant to provide a foundation from which one can rebuild after divorce.
We provide articles about common feelings associated with separation and divorce. Moreover, our content, such as that in our Lifestyle Section is filled with information that can help our readers thrive while acclimating to their new lifestyle and non-nuclear familial status.
Simply said, "We developed our site to help you not only do away with the emotional garbage that weighs you down after divorce, but to find new avenues that can take you in the right direction and help you stay the course."
Our lifestyle content is focused on things our readers would like to do and/or learn more about. These topics are meant to encourage the transition needed in order to find the personal happiness we all seek during and following our legal divorce.
We did this because we found that the majority of those we polled sought more than information about the process of divorce, rather information on other life changes as a result of it.
Divorce Coach Suggestions
As a divorce coach I commonly refer to DMK's Stages of Divorce when conducting my initial intake with prospective clients. This gives both myself and my clients a good understanding of where they are in the emotional process of healing as it also applies to their overall well-being. This includes matters like health, family, finance, home and faith.
The 8 stages include,
- denial and shock
- anger, blame and sadness
- multipolar
- regression
- hope
- letting go
- acceptance
- starting over
More information about these stages can be found in the DMK article, Stages of Divorce.
While we have several articles that provide more details about these 8 stages, like the complexities of our emotions when divorcing, I thought I'd provide some brief details about how to stop the cycles of stages as you heal, in order to gain back control of your life.
Could these be the stumbling blocks that hold you back?
While there are 8 stages, the last 3 tend to be most troublesome for many people. Below I have listed some ideas to help you get thru these stages so they don't continue to cycle throughout your lifetime until your perspective is so warped you are unable to find the life you were meant to live,
Stage 6
Letting go
As I mentioned above, those going through a difficult life change like divorce endure a distorted perspective as part of the process. The sooner one's perspective is positively reinforced, the better. Often, the best way to let go is to grab on to something for your future.
- Simple question, "Were the problems that led to divorce (including your ex), the way out of what holds you back? No, of course not.
- Then why do you continue to open the door to the past when what you seek is the doorway to your future without these problems? This starts with a door to divorce, but you can't stand in this doorway forever looking in both directions, perhaps feeling bitter with one side and fearful of the other.
- Simple suggestion:, "Stop looking to your problems for answers. That's leading you in the wrong direction, causing you to live your life with a backwards, negative mindset. Problems can be solved more easily with a clear mind and positive outlook. So turn around, start walking towards the life you you seek. This is how you heal following divorce."
“When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us.”
―
Stage 7
Acceptance
This stage often gets overlooked because it may seem there is little to do beyond having an open mind towards change already occurred. But this stage requires a great deal of action in order to fully find acceptance.
- Simple question, "Upon letting go of the problems that hold you back, what exactly are you accepting?"
- Simple answer, "You can either accept the gaping whole in your life that once was filled with worry, anger and disappointment or you can have the courage to accept the hard work, discipline and dedication to doing what it takes to fill your life with activities, people and challenges that provide you a better outlook for you, your family and future. The latter is the best form of acceptance to solidify letting go of the cycle of problems of the past in order to accept personal happiness for today and tomorrow. That's the true meaning of acceptance following divorce, death, addiction or any difficult life changing event."
“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference”
―Serenity Prayer thought to be by Reinhold Niebuhr.
Stage 8
Stating Over
This stage can be coined anything from turning a new leaf, moving forward or starting anew. The key isn't to overthink it or get hung up on what you had or lost. In order to solidify acceptance is to try new things even when you think the life you had is enough to maintain your health, wealth and happiness. Unfortunately, many of us who feel the terms like "starting over" slight the life we loved, despite our ex, are only patching our lives with things like work, home and family (overtime, housework and helicopter parenting). We must not pretend lost joy can be replaced with busy work, bad habits and/or more problems.
- Simple question, "Are you the same person as you were when you married?"
- Simple answer, "No. Life is full of change, some planned, some unexpected, some unwelcome. When changes occur that take someone or something away, we must heal, but just like a wound, healing is about regrowth. To solidify Starting Over and all 8 Stages, you must embrace your emotional intelligence to better cope with unavoidable problems and situations, let go of relationships, problems and negativity that prevent you from getting past challenges of today, and add positive relationships, goals and activities to improve today and tomorrow. "
“You may have a fresh start any moment you choose, for this thing that we call 'failure' is not the falling down, but the staying down.”
―Mary Pickford
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