Dear Honey Wexler,
My husband James and I are in the process of divorcing. We're in our late twenties, but don't have children. We do have two dogs that we decided would be better in my care because one of the dogs was mine before we married and we don't want to split them up. He takes the dogs every weekend until the divorce is final, so we still see each other weekly.
He moved in with a friend to save money because neither of us make a lot. In fact, some of the reasons for our divorce include financial problems.
Recently, I noticed he is making some large purchases and has a planned international vacation in the coming months which I suspect cost pretty much. We still have a joint checking account, but neither of our paychecks are direct deposited into it anymore so there isn't much in there. I checked to see if what was left was being used for any of his purchases, but it hasn't been touched.
We have some joint investment accounts, but he hasn't withdrawn anything from those either. I spoke with my attorney who suggested we hire a forensic accountant, but the cost to do so may outweigh the benefit. My attorney suggested I ask James where he's getting the money for the big purchases, so I mentioned it in passing. I wasn't accusing, I just joked a bit that leaving me seemed to be good for his pocketbook if he could afford to travel to Ireland.
While our divorce has been mostly amicable and a mutual decision, his response was surprising. He was very dismissive and rather sharp which is strange for his personality. I felt pretty uncomfortable. Since then, he canceled two times to pick up the dogs.
While we both decided divorce was best, he was the one who surprised me with the suggestion. I can't help but wonder if his decision was based on an outside factor related to his finances or perhaps someone new.
Since our confrontation I haven't been able to stop thinking and frankly obsessing over it. Our entire marriage has been riddled with financial stress. Despite wanting to just put it out of my mind, I truthfully feel a little bitter over the idea that he suddenly has enough money for things we never could buy together.
What should I do???
Erin L.
Erin,
Wow that's a doozy! It's clear you have some reason to be concerned about your spouse's lavish spending. It wasn't wrong to ask him because he is still legally your spouse and has an obligation to disclose his financial information. Failure to do so has been known to result in big legal trouble for dishonest divorcees.
The only problem with how you addressed his spending is that you didn't ask him directly. This gave him some latitude that morally and legally he may not deserve. A forensic accountant is commonly utilized for these types of circumstances but not the only option.
In some cases, attorney's request the spouse in question provide an affidavit or be deposed regarding unusual large purchases if the spending is not documented in the financial documents provided. Talk with your attorney about the least expensive way to prove your spouse is either hiding money or has increased income. But, he/she is right that your legal fees may outweigh the benefit. Only you can decide following good legal advice.
Since you indicate you don't actually have access to his checking account, you're making assumptions that his new stuff was purchased by him. The things he has recently acquired may very well be gifts. His response to your comments may indicate a great many things. There's no reason to guess. The least expensive way to find out is to ask him. This time be direct.
You sound like a nice young lady who doesn't want to think her spouse could be devious or sneaky. So, I too, am going to be direct. Divorce and money can bring out the worst in people. There have been many people married for 10, 20 even 30 years who could attest to that. But, letting your imagination overwhelm you won't help.
It sounds like you're also concerned your spouse has a new love interest who may have prompted your divorce.
Proving adultery, including her being the reason for your marriage's end, may give you some leverage when negotiating a better financial settlement and/or have some subjective affect on the judge's ruling, if your case goes to trial. Discuss your legal options with your attorney to determine if proving adultery would be worth your time and money. Know that in some states, a physical relationship that starts after a legal separation begins and with no cause to the marriage's end, is not considered adultery.
You're not abnormal to feel a little pang of embittered jealousy regarding the possibility that he has a new love interest who has the ability to give expensive gifts and trips that you and he were never able to afford together. Let such feelings run their course, but don't let them overtake you. Instead, you should find new, exciting things to include in your everyday life. Get in touch a good counselor who can help you explore your feelings in order reduce negative feelings and emotions brought on by your divorce.
If you find yourself sitting around a lot or participating in nonproductive, unhealthy activities that leave you feeling worse, then you need to make immediate changes. Get out of your doldrum and into activities that produce positive energy that makes you feel better.
Plan your own vacation. You don't need to go to a foreign country to get away from it all. Keep moving forward and away from what your spouse is doing and focus on your own plans and future!
Wishing you your own amazing journey-
Honey Wexler
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