"What doesn't kill you...makes you stronger, wiser, and more capable.  But first you must learn to lose."

One of the biggest lessons in life is the agony of knowing that some problems have no positive solution.  Regardless of the reasons, you're facing a no-win scenario.  What should you do?

Agony of defeat

The hard truth of a lose-lose scenario is that you only have one option, lose, and end it.

My first marriage ended at the early age of nineteen.  The case went to trial and while my family and friends sat in the courtroom all I thought as each side brought up the other's mistakes was that I was a failure.

Afterward, my mom put it best when she said, "Count your blessings, accept your losses, pick up the pieces and move on." 

Though her advice didn't change my situation, it changed my perception of it and ability to accept the obvious.  There were no options without some negative outcome.  In fact, the situation had continuous no-win scenarios. 

I eventually faced each problem and my immediate situation improved.  Temporarily.  There was always a new setback on the horizon.  One problem right after the other seemed to riddle through my days until I felt 😩 hopeless, bitter, and lost, once again.

My self-esteem took a hit because it seemed all I did was run around putting out fires, never really escaping the idea that some of my problems were forever life changing. 

My only solace was that the good, the bad and the catastrophic was mine to own.  I was responsible for my life and all that happened in it.  This realization provided the self-esteem and confidence needed to grow as a woman, mother, and business owner.  Problems and all.

As years went on, I looked back at some of the problems I had and while they seemed huge then, I later considered them part of normal, life maturing setbacks.  I realized obvious solutions that would have provided a better outcome.  

Considering my past dealings also provided a clearer perspective of my immediate problems and the value I placed upon them.  I was able to reduce such value by thinking about my entire life picture - my past, the present and how I might value these same problems in the future.

If I could go back, would I have changed my decisions to provide a better outcome?   Not really.

In some cases, I have regrets, but life is full of them.  Like no-win scenarios, how we cope with regret makes the difference between living with it or learning from it. 

Enablers, Enemies and Explainers

In other articles, I wrote that each of us should run our lives like we would run a multi-billion-dollar organization.  There are differences, but the point is each of us is the leader of our life, a privilege worth more than billions.

What should we do?

We should act like it.

Like any organization, there will be mistakes and, in some cases, the CEO will be faced with decisions with no positive outcome.  

Patrons and stockholders, like family and friends, may regard some losses as those that could be easily avoided.  They may have many ideas, thoughts, and solutions they consider better than those made by the CEO.  In some cases, they may be right.

But the dilemma we face when others find solutions for our problems is that they fail to have the perspective of our whole life experience.

While these onlookers may be affected by our decisions, we must own up to them and their consequences.  This is how we learn, mature, and develop strength and wisdom to learn accountability and overcome future obstacles.

Addiction

Consider addiction as an example of an addict's perceived lose-lose situation as well as his/her right to autonomy.

Until adult addicts choose to get clean, the chance of success is slim.  While their lack of decision-making puts others in lose-lose scenarios based on their friends' and family's desire to help the addict, his/her circle of influence must accept they are not in control of, responsible for or capable to make the changes the addict must make for him/herself. 

Sadly, addiction with a physical component may have more control over the person than their good sense and wisdom.  In some cases, it is the addiction rather than their loved one that friends and family members face when pleading with the addict to get help.  Despite how much of the person the addict has commandeered, there is a part of the person in every addict that has the power to take back control of his/her life.  Whether an addict can harness that power before their addiction defeats them depends on numerous factors. 

One of the biggest is their faulty perception that life is worse without their addiction.  This is the first perceived problem of their lose-lose situation. 

The second problem is that their only alternative is to continue down their path of self-deprecation-doubt- and pity until the addiction overtakes his/her life or simply takes it.  Another big loss the addict may deny outwardly but remains plagued with unconsciously.

The onlooker can easily see the ends justify the means when the addict gets help.  While it may seem an immediate, no-win scenario, there is a right choice the addict must make.  True to form, the sooner, the better.

However, not all situations are solely based on our perception.  What then?

Your turn

Get ready. Get set. Go. Lose.

If yours is a lose-lose situation where addiction is not a factor, know that you have full control over your problems and the ability to assess, accept and/or attack them. 

Willing to lose when loss is eminent

It is with courage, responsibility, and wisdom that each of us should lead our own destiny.  It is our mistakes and successes that make us who we are, but how we arrive at either is what guides us towards our future selves and life we can either be proud of or disappointed.

Some of the greatest minds will tell you, losing happens all the time, but how you cope with- and deal with those losses will determine whether you are a success.

Disallowing anyone the right to fail damages a person's ability to lead him/herself through difficult challenges and the right to accept the victory or negative consequences.   

Even if the decision is obviously wrong or not what the other person would choose, disallowing failure and mistakes is detrimental to the person's life and ability to cope with outcomes he/she is responsible for living with.  This is part of our life experience.  One in that we deserve to fail, succeed, love, lose and live until the day we die. 

With this right, we must also recognize other's right to autonomy.  And this simply means, in most cases, butt out! 

Even as parents to school aged children, unless they ask for your help or another authority, such as a teacher, enlists it, allow your children and young adults the full scope of consequence.  Not only does this mean allowing them to make mistakes that present no harm to themselves or others, but cleaning up after them is also limiting their experience of failure.

Textbooks aren’t allowed on the playing field

Are some cases unique? 

Absolutely, but nobody gains through failure if any of us subjectively value interference over sought after guidance.  It should be considered a virtue, the ability to allow others to fail despite our opinion that said failure could be avoided.  Advice is fine, but accept the recipient unwillingness to take it.

The Kobayashi Maru

As a long-term Trekkie, no other example befitting this article is the Kobayashi Maru. It is a test taken by cadets prior to graduation from Starfleet Academy, considered a lose-lose scenario that no cadet in the history of Starfleet ever passed, until James Tiberious Kirk.

In the 2009 film, 'Star Trek' Jim Kirk faces the disciplinary board when it is discovered that he cheated on his most recent attempt of the Kobayashi Maru test by reprogramming the computer, thus allowing him to avoid the lose-lose scenario.  When he asked to speak on his own behalf regarding cheating, he voices his disagreement with the unfairness of the test, also indicating it to be a "cheat". 

Just before another interstellar incident occurs, thus delaying disciplinary action of soon-to-be Captain Kirk following him saving the destruction of Starfleet and the entire planet Earth, Spock, the programmer of the test, speaks directly with Kirk during the disciplinary hearing, 

Find the entirety of Kirk's "unique" solution to his no-win situation when taking the Kobayashi Maru on www.starship.com.

They lie to us 

While the lesson of the Starfleet test is befitting this article, sadly the lesson is lost when Kirk refuses to believe in no-win scenarios when faced with a world-ending dilemma and true to character, defeats the odds.   For the movie's sake, we are all glad he did!

However, the characterization of Captain Kirk along with the Star Trek franchise and our pop-culture all thrive on avoiding the truth of consequences following such low odds and 100% lose scenarios.  While good endings and popular characters make good entertainment and big money for production companies, they fail to represent the reality of complex decisions, regardless of if they are life-threatening or just threatening to our happiness, success or otherwise.

We continue to be misguided and misled as to the right way a strong person deals with difficult life problems that present no good ending in the near or distant future.  Again, defeatism may come to mind, but make no mistake, some situations are plagued with no-win scenarios.  Wasting time trying to find a perfect solution or one that makes everyone happy damages your ability to problem-solve effectively.  

Next time you're faced with a tricky situation, call upon your inner strength, faith and real people in your life who provide valued influence for guidance.  Be forthright in expelling pop-culture influence unless it represents consistent realism.   

As for my own 'Star Trek' reference of the Kobayashi Maru and opinions based on my own favorites, there may be some good that comes from social media, movies, and books.  Like we always say to our readers here at DMK regarding our contribution as influencers- read, listen, and watch. 

Enjoy the movie, series, or game, but remember entertainment and fantasy characters are just for fun.  Know that they have influence over our everyday decisions whether we realize it or not.   Allow for limited influence that makes sense and positively challenges you to live a happier, more successful life and improve your ability to manage it.  As for the rest, be entertained, humored, and moved but when it's over, leave it behind and don't look back.

If you're gonna fail...

Finally, if you gain any aid from this article, we hope it's this,

All of us face no-win scenarios from time-to-time.  Accepting the truth sooner than later that some situations provide no acceptable ending to us, is best.  The tough part is often less about realizing it rather than accepting it.  In many cases, while we may not see a good resolve, the result is often far less perilous than originally considered.  This may be because the plight of a difficult decision may cause the bad ending to seem worse.  Once it is behind you, note that all may seem immediately better, then worse for a while (as is the case with many divorces).  But eventually the pain from the difficult life event will pass and your bravery in making tough decisions will bear strength and wisdom.

Gain maturity from your losses for a clear perspective and you will see the path to ultimate life happiness and personal success!  One problem at a time-