Ahh, the holidays!  What sweet, sweet dreams we have for the perfect season.  Then, we wake up and the nightmare begins.  It starts with one pound of cookies and a few hundred bucks in gift cards and before we know it we have 10 lbs of fat and thousands of dollars of debt when they're over.  Ugh!

Recipe for disaster

Now, add 1 tsp of annoying spouse, 2 tbsp of painful memories and 1000 cups of divorce stress and the holidays are one big fruitcake that even Aunt Agnes wouldn't touch with a ten foot fork.  

So what's a divorcee to do?   Hope a luxurious divorce is waiting for them under the tree on Christmas morning?  Um.  No.

In fact, a perfect answer is as unlikely as a perfect holiday.  But, lucky for you we have located a list of ten things NOT to do!  It may help you avoid easy pitfalls that can supercharge a rotten holiday.

So let's get right to it!

Ten -  holiday - busters..

...three french hens, two divorcing spouses and divorce court in a pear tree!

10.  Don't run to Match®, Facebook Dating® or any other dating app in hopes of finding a temporary replacement for your soon-to-be-ex (stbe).  Tough it out, regain your confidence as a single for one hot minute in order to identify what you want for yourself and family in the coming years and holidays.  It won't be easy, but it will help you avoid regrets and also lead to less entanglements when negotiating your settlement, when applicable.

9.  Don't over post on ANY of your social media accounts.  Ya, you're bored, maybe a little lonely or perhaps you just want your stbe to think you are having the holiday of your dreams without him/her.  But really, you are just over-engaging in the whole social media, break-up game and most people know it.  So don't.

8.  Don't overspend and never try to buy your kids' love.  It's like dieting the wrong way.  You hit your weight goals right way, but it's not sustainable and in many cases your weight problems come back twice as bad.  First of all, if you can't keep up lavish holidays in the future years, don't start now.  Your kiddo's will be thrilled, but it sends the wrong message, leads to raising a brat and the endgame results in you losing twice as much respect as you thought you originally gained.  They expect more than you can afford for holidays and birthdays, and offer up less and less appreciation over time.  You could buy your kids the world, they won't fail to realize how the divorce really makes them feel.   

7.  Don't over-commit yourself at work, church or with friends and family.  Keep yourself busy, but 60% of that extra busy time should be spent on self-reflection, improvement and discovery (this can't be found on Netflix® or Appltv®.  The line-up should include independent time doing things that you enjoy and engage you.  These are activities that require most of your attention.  There may be other people around, but they are not people who are "with" you.  Instead they are people who may be students in a local pottery class, people at your gym, or those in a divorce recovery group.  You could also pursue a hobby such as writing, painting or something that you do alone.

6.  Don't stick with the same traditions of years past.  Things are going to be different no matter what; so why not make them different?  Learn about traditions of different faiths and incorporate some of what you like and learn into your holiday.  For instance, many who celebrate Kwanzaa also observe Christmas.  You could also try celebrating your holiday celebration on a completely different day.  This especially makes sense for couples who will share custody of their children and have a holiday parenting schedule.  Another neat idea is to travel somewhere for the holidays, budget permitting.

5.  Don't look to friends and family to tell you how to celebrate the holidays.  It's your call.  Work with your spouse or ex-spouse on developing a holiday schedule that works for both of you, even if it is different than what you both originally established.   If he/she is uncooperative, so be it.  Work around stubbornness in order to develop a more unified front, long-term.  If things are really good already and you both want to celebrate together, go for it  Just remember, it can make it more confusing for your children, when applicable.  It can also make things more complicated or even cause legal entanglements if you both engage in more than a friendly holiday (such as a physical relationship).

4.  Obviously we do not suggest you and your stb let the holidays shake the ground of which you have both begun to rebuild your lives upon.  But the holidays can be lonely, depressing and nostalgic.  It can lead many divorcing spouses into each other's arms.  But make no mistake, in most cases nothing has changed and while you may be attracted to one another, comfort and warm family tones of the holiday may actually be confused for love and attraction.  It can also make things harder at the negotiating table for both of you, especially if one confuses the holiday entanglement for a reconciliation.  So make sure you both know what any new friendship or physical relationship means.  Also, know that in some states it can add more time to the separation and divorce or worse.  Beware of a cunning spouse who knows the law better than you do.

3. Don't start a new home project around the holidays.  This includes painting, bookshelves, flooring, bathrooms or anything that takes longer than 2-4 hours to complete.  It's easy to want to make a strong appearance for friends and family.   Perhaps you just want to make the place feel more like home despite it being a different location or picked over by your stb.   This can thrust you into overdrive when planning for holiday celebrations.  Don't worry about what others think.  If you can't, then plan your celebration at another location.

2. The entire household, even pets, will be transitioning on year one.  Give yourselves a break and don't expect holidays as usual.  In fact, expect problems and avoid the ones you don't expect with a generally laid back environment.  Talk to your kids about their expectation for the holidays.  Their answers might surprise you and/or they may vary between the children.  Try new co-parenting skills or hire a mediator to help you decide the holiday plan for this year and years to come.

1. Do not wait for the end of the holiday season to start a divorce.  Yes, it may be hard on children and in some cases financially prudent, if the divorce is amicable, waiting may not be a problem.  However, for most of us, the delay can lead to more delays and possibly to the advantage of your spouse.  It can also make the divorce a desensitized idea, keeping it out there, never really taking action.  There are numerous holidays throughout the year, don't let them delay you getting on with the rest of your life.

ourDMK.com