I am that guy.

You know the one in the black four door sedan that slides into your lane right before the exit. The one who smoothly transitioned onto the next interstate, only after you waited your turn for 25 minutes or more. 

Oh!  That f*cking guy!

I'm the one who is now way up in front of you on the long highway home.  Ya, I'm that a$$hole.  

Despite the shortest wait, I'll jump into the lane going north then back into the lane due south.  Why?  Because I can.  Why?  Because you let me in. Why? Because if you don't let me in, somebody in front of you will and I'll have gotten in front of you anyway.  Moreover, never a time in all of my 35 years of driving have I missed my exit and never have I waited "my turn".  Ya, I'm that guy.

But, what does this have to do with divorce?

Dissolution of marriage is an interesting legal action because both parties seek to be made whole by dividing just about every asset, debt and facet of their lives between the two of them.  Moreover, both parties once shared more than an interest in a divisible marital estate and familial status, in most cases they shared love. And that my friend, makes most people nuts when divorcing, or at least less emotionally intelligent. 

Divorce brings out the kind of stupid that makes people spend $1000 in legal fees to divide a $100 asset.  The kinda' crazy that makes people fight out of principal for what they believe they deserve rather than what they actually deserve in the eyes of the law.  Ya, that kinda' crazy.

Love and division

Decisions of the heart rarely lead to sound legal reasoning.  Many of us allow the memories of our love for someone boil over a hot pot now filled to the brim with greed, blame and pain. Mmm, smells good! 

Somehow we accept the legal system's determination of value of nearly everything we own, owe or earn.  And yet we allow the varying interpretations of the law to guide us along in hopes we never actually have our day in court but come to our own agreement with one another in what is referred to as a "separation agreement" and/or "settlement agreement".

We negotiate that agreement on the basis of our love, loss, needs and wants.  And while we may feel entitled to put our own value on what we think we deserve until our legal advisors and mediators quickly pull us down into the stark, less than subtle reality that "we get what we get, so don't throw a fit."  It's cra cra!

Dealing with the madness

Yep.  Negotiations can go all kinds of crazy and case law can be used to explain most of it.  But when it's all said and done, rights only construct the base of any agreement that either defines what we deserved and/or provides for what we need.   Yet I'm sure many spouses unknowingly hose themselves in mediation and/or direct negotiations and go on to restart their lives with an eventual achievement of personal happiness.  No harm, no foul? 

In a wholistic measure of divorce, absolutely.  Who cares what the law said, if you're happy, and you spend limited time in divorce purgatory you may have done it right.

Fight to the divorce

But, then there are those who know they have rights and wish to hold out because they feel big with litigation grandstanding.  Boxing themselves into every small corner where neither spouse gets out the marriage feeling whole.  And its this horrible process of slow motion negotiations, deep penetration interrogatories, Discovery, depositions and/or affidavits as a means to an end.  And with this type of dog eat dog divorce I present the parody between a driving lesson and divorce.  

Catch me if you can

It occurred to me as I approached a 20-30 car ramp merging two highways.  As I quickly switched from the southbound lane into the north, knowing I would skip the line of cars in the southbound lane, I found an in that gave me a 15-20 car leap ahead As I flipped on my turn signal, the easy in, pulled up quick to stop me from merging into the southbound lane.  I chuckled and kept on going only to find another line holder do the same.  And while one might say they had every right to do that and it wasn't fair what I was doing, I cared less and found an in 2 cars from my turnoff.  Why?  Because I always can and no one ever beats me.

Win or lose, it's how you don't play any more games

Now, pay attention.  Did those guys holding their place make their point?  Did they feel like they were vindicated for all the a$$holes who cut the line and merge later rather than sooner?  Prolly.  But in the grand scheme of things, all they did was encourage me to get a better place in line and more over, I still got in front of them.

Even though you may look for simple wins over the course of a long divorce headed for trial, truth be told, in the end, the loss will get ya.  The longer you hold out, refuse to let go, the greater your whole loss will be and the closer to home it will hit. 

Those places in line that I stole could be compared to my taking days.months or even years from the life you really want to live.  No matter what you do today or tomorrow, the division will happen.  And no principal, right or individual win will prevent it or make you feel better for it. 

Rest assured, it will find you.  It finds everyone in a divorce because 9.9 times out of 10, everyone gives up shit and rights in a divorce.  I will always find a way in and you don't have to like me, but you miles well accept me.  The sooner you do, the less advantage I'll take.

Road trippin'

The closer you are to me once on the last highway home, the more likely you can get past me and move toward a more positive drive towards what you made of the remainder of your marital estate.  The further ahead I get, the less likely you'll catch up to me and I'll have beat you in this little game of "Let's Lose Our Ass" in our divorce.

Truth be told, I think those who are blissfully ignorant of the loss, to those who cut their line may be the happiest, perhaps never totally catching up but finding personal happiness while enjoying the ride in the open air, hot or not, rain or shine.  But I'm not advocating ignorance.  Really, I think both sides can apply their rights and adjust their individual arguments in an effort to achieve a reasonable settlement for each spouse.  Even if you care that I cut the line or that you were awarded less than expected in the divorce, the sooner you get back to the land of the living and you put my kinda stupid behind you.

A final driving lesson for losers 

They key is to focus on happiness and less on fairness because divorce will always seem a little unfair.  In the grand scheme of things, while it may seem the line to the merging highway is long because jerks like me are always cutting it, stop lying to yourself.  The line is just long and divorce just sucks.  We all lose something in a divorce, duh!  And while 5-10 more cars in a 30 car merging line, will get you home later, they will always get in, like it or not.  You can choose to define your long drive home by the time you lost or by your destiny.

Inevitable losses will occur in your life and denial during the process will only make it harder to get through and longer to get over.

So let 'em in.  Let 'em go.  Then get home healthy in mind, wealthy in spirit and wise enough to enjoy the commute sometimes.  As for me, I'll continue to cut the line and let others do the same.  Why?  Because nobody is immune to loss, not even me.