Mistakes, sin and hate are all part of our humanity.  No matter how much we value the goodness our faith provides us, at some point we experience a massive dent in just about everything we believe.

Sometimes we cause it

Have you ever met someone who has never experienced some type of hardship, wrong doing or challenge to overcome?  Doubtful.  We all fall victim to our humanity.

At some point we are faced with that certain something or someone that breaks us.  It draws out the very worst of our bitter soul and we succumb to the impulse that induces us to do, say, feel or behave in such a way we can hardly bear to admit to another person.

Most often, whatever it is that eats away at our faith, is usually far less extreme than the overall damage it does to our life.  In fact, as we begin to live it, we allow it to manifest itself into a bitter creature within us that after awhile everyone else sees and we feel.

Confession 

In all that transpired during my break-up, the divorce itself was not as complicated or painful as the years that followed.  Nor was the actual divorce as painful a memory as the actions leading to and just before the end of our marriage.   I understand the power to forgive, but this, I must confess I have still not yet granted forgiveness to either of us.  

I still blame myself and value myself as the person he saw me to be at this painful time in my life.  I still harbor anger and hate towards him, the person that most of my life I loved more than life itself.  I know I can never forgive him and for now, I never want to.  This is my confession.

This agony has changed me.  I am not the person I was before I met him nor the person I was at the time of the divorce.  Worse yet, I am not the person I am right now.  Most days I get by and some days my feelings are more transparent than I would like. 

Acknowledgment

I am human and imperfect.  I am me.  I believe I can be more than sad, angry and regretful.  But, I continue to give my pain power.  I still allow it to be a valid part of my everyday.  For that, I am damaged and feel the damage continue to eat at me.  I can see what I feel hurts me, but I still don't feel motivated to accept what I can not change or forgive the parts of me or others that may have caused it.  It has been such a part of my life that most days it is my life.  

Accept what it is and what it isn’t

These are true, honest feelings of someone many years following a painful event in her life.  Hurting someone you love lasts a lifetime.  Being hurt by someone you love seems like it lasts an eternity.

What happens after love is ugly, painful and dirty.  It's not helpful to put on our Sunday best and pretend something that ended very badly was dignified and clean.  We can pray, confess and beg for our pain to end, but sadly we suffer.  That is what the end of love is.  That is what it feels like and that is why it takes many of us years and more painful memories before we forgive.  

To forgive takes more than praying to God, it takes the power of God in everything we do, feel, say and need.  But, we must then do, feel, say and need with the intent to forgive, overcome and believe we are not measured by our loss, rather by our power for each of us to begin again.

Does staying married help?

Perhaps to remain married following such pain requires love and forgiveness that in divorce we cut off.  That love, in certain situations may be able to heal the pain and grant forgiveness more readily than when divorced.  I do not denounce divorce, but will admit it to be a sad, complicated journey that requires as much time as there was love. 

I would never advocate remaining in a loveless marriage, but admit, I too would have tried harder to make it work if I knew my self inflicted penance for my divorce.  I would have wanted to stay in a miserable relationship with the person I admired and loved so dearly.  I'm not sure that after such heartbreak there is ever a clear direction to the least resistance.  So, know that whatever choice you make, you will always consider the other may have been the better one.  

Can forgiveness help?

Yes, I believe in forgiveness.  Yes, I know the unbelievable goodness you can feel in doing so.  This, I must confess pales to the pain and anguish in my heart. For now, I remain broken.  

What I believe, because I still have faith, is that one day I will want to let it go.  Until then, know that I make this confession so that you know that if you feel such pain, you are not alone. Our pain at worst, feels eternal.  But, the power of love is eternal and will eventually provide a way to overcome.  This is what I believe and I hope you can too.  Because this will be what frees us of our pain.


-OurDMK.com



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