"Are we ever sure we're making the right decisions regarding our marriage?"

My answer, "No. Not really and not even with Jedi mind tricks."  

Why?  Well in the real world Jedis keep that mind trick sh*! on the down low and don't help little Stormtrooper LEGO® dudes understand their little Stormtrooper Lego® wives. 

Nor will they help us determine when it's entirely the right time to end the saga. However, it still may be possible to find a way out of some serious marriage problems and life struggles.    

Not an easy decision

When considering separation or divorce, it’s painful to realize that sometimes sacrifice and loss is what we need to get what we want.  We must accept that someone we loved or love is detrimental to our happiness and well-being.

Is a painful divorce worth the possibility of a better life?

We’ve all heard the saying, “ The ends don’t justify the means.” But, you will never be able to apply such a saying to everything you do.  It depends on the ends and it depends on the means.  It depends on the one who has to sacrifice in order to achieve.  It depends on all that are affected by said sacrifice and achievement.

Fighting the extremes

Staying

It's not always easy to realize how hyper focused we get, with nothing but a desire to achieve our goals.  A good example being Anakin Skywalker's quest to protect his mother (and we all know how that ended). 

Leaving

On the flip side, some of us fail to achieve success due to the many stops that distract us and distort our value of success.

Should I stay or should I go?

Some of us are consumed by both extremes and/or influences that make it difficult to tell the difference between knowing when to quit something and knowing when to persevere.  In some ways, a good example is an addiction or dependence on someone or something.

It's easy for successful people

You can evaluate a decision many times over, but never be assured of all the possibilities.  Often it’s these unknowns that get in the way of our success.

Those who succeed at most things keep certain mindsets like:

  • Expect the unexpected, conquer and move on.
  • -no excuses, no disappointment for what you lose to gain
  • Value what you attain more than what you lose. 
  • Success is something you should always seek like the air you breath and when you don't, you die. 

Actually, I think that last one was actually part of a quote from a Star Trek® episode.  Sorry Star Wars®!

It's confusing for the rest of us moderately successful, average run-of-the-mill storm troopers

Can we ever truly foresee our reaction to what happens along the way.  We can imagine all of the worse possibilities, but until the bad stuff happens we can never fully anticipate how it will change our course.  

Every single thing that happens in our life changes our behavior and personality. Many of us mature, develop skepticism and even get a little lazy once we realize life ain't easy.  It's hard to keep the momentum, even with super positive success minded mottos in your head.

We rarely notice our changes since they happen so gradually.  Unfortunately, it often takes some bad situation to get our attention and often with that successfully minded know-it-all attorney representing our spouse in divorce court.  Is he wrong?  No.  But, it's possible we aren't breathing the same thin air as that jerk!

Note to self.  Bring a life jacket, everywhere. Not!

Some days are like falling into a raging river following a big storm.  Trooper or not, a life jacket would be helpful, but seriously? 

At times like these, we realize we aren’t as prepared for the unexpected as we thought and there aren't any Jedi's around to pull us out with their mind.  We get that we may be in a little over our Lego®heads.  Especially when it’s been years of plateauing since we even considered these terrible possibilities (for those of us who considered them at all).  

I think for many successful people they refer to this as a "prenup".

It's real and you're drowning; what would you do?

So.  There you are.  Whisked away, a Lego® Stormtrooper, choking on the water.  Nobody can save you, but you.  You can’t reach for the shore, the waters moving too fast and your little Lego® arms are too short.   You're moving way too slow.  

Yelling doesn’t matter and opening your mouth just aids drowning faster. It’s no use even considering who pushed you in because it won’t help you.  Your body hits every boulder.  Loose branches scratch you.  Do you give up?  Do you drown?

Naturally, most will fight to their death.  No time to weigh all of your self-worth at the time of your struggle.  Your natural human instinct, or in this case, Lego® Stormtrooper alter ego, is to survive.  Right?

Do you think...dagnabbit, I should have been a Lego® Jedi or Han Solo?

In a split second, you realize, what's happening.  You're drowning.  Do you think about that self-worth then?  Do you blame?  Do you think you should have known it was coming?  Expected this possibility?  Should you have been wearing a life jacket everywhere you go, just in case? 

Are you angry?  Stunned?  Depressed?   Do you really have time to think about it?  Um.  No.

If we sped up our stressful times and events in our lives (like falling into raging waters), instead of wasting precious time overthinking, blaming and regretting, do you think we'd survive?  Just like when you're in the water, you didn't have time to think about all that woulda, coulda, shoulda?  Right?

And by survive, I mean, if you watched your saga in fast motion, where much of your life after a specific part just falls to a still frame, it wouldn't be much of a saga or life, now would it?   

Ya. You'd drown dude.

Why you?

You could walk lazily along the shore of the river admiring your plateau, the success of living carefree and secure in the life you made for yourself. Maybe a rough edge here and there, but you stayed clear, cautious, responsible.  There were never reasons to avoid the river, the shore, the walk, the water.

Ya.  Life changes you.  Each slip, your fault or not.  Each mile forward, your success or not. There is not an easy solution to determine when we should change course, change partners, change ourselves to promote a future filled with happiness. 

Your fault or not, you need to get yourself out of that river and out of that Stormtrooper costume (without being disassembled if possible - okay just kidding, don't really try this at home, you will literally disassemble yourself)

"Why me?", turns to fight, claw and pull yourself up and out of the river until you do...or don't. 

"Why you?",  because you can and you will, like your LEGO® life depended on it.

Identify the storm

It's important to know if your overall relationship is the problem or if there are specific traits within your marriage that may be lacking.  Take the DMK Marriage Essential Test to determine problem areas that may attribute to your marital dysfunction. 

If something has happened within recent months that has caused you to consider leaving your spouse, you should give yourself a reasonable amount of time to fully understand all associated changes and legalities when considering separation and/or divorce.  Sometimes, feeling like you need to get yourself out of a complicated marital situation is much like that river, but sadly, divorce is not the shore.  It's just a way to get out of the same river until the divorce is over.  The shore is actually your happiness. 

Unfortunately, staying together may also leave you in that river, until you both take action to improve your marriage.  There's no easy way out.

However, with the right choices and planning, taking action to either improve your marriage or seek a divorce will eventually make life less like a still frame and more like living.   Just don't continue to live in survival mode.  It's unhealthy and damaging to your life, relationships and life goals.  Whether you get yourself to higher ground will be entirely up to you, trooper.

The choice to work it out or divorce will affect you, your spouse, family and future.   It can affect your lifestyle, finances and optional movie rights (Titled: Little LOGO® Dude vs. River, LEGO® Wife and Mega Know-It-All Attorney aka Jedi Wanna Be, All Too Clever at Jedi Mind Tricks with Judge).  Too long?  So are some legal battles some of us face while divorcing.   

Only you can determine how long you should wait before making the decision to weather the storm or seek a separation and/or divorce.  Consulting professionals who can advise you may be helpful.  These professionals include counselors and therapists with experience with situations like yours and attorneys who can explain local divorce laws, as they apply to your circumstances.

Is your relationship still part of your identity?

One way to know if you should stay together or divorce is to determine if your relationship is still part of your identity.  If your relationship has slowly become less of a priority in your life and/or you feel "more single" than married, your marriage may need some attention.  You may benefit from marriage counseling or individual therapy.  

Counseling takes effort, time and commitment.  However, it is actionable and represents an investment in your personal happiness.

If you seek marriage counseling, your spouse should also want to improve the relationship.   Individual counseling or therapy may be helpful in your decision making.   Sometimes the relationship fades away so much before we realize how much damage has been done to our marriage.  A counselor can help you find the path back to marriage bliss.

You can't prepare for every possibility.  Trying to do so is pointless and impractical.  Being unprepared for all of life’s little challenges is part of what makes us human, trusting, loving and vulnerable (when we aren't Stormtroopers). 

It's what makes life exciting and somewhat dangerous.  So, being reasonably aware of the possible problems and solutions is what makes us wiser, stronger and able to survive rough waters.  It's part of what makes us strong enough to handle danger, excitement, success and failure.  Each of which can be part of a break-up.

If you are unsure whether you should stay or go, know that despite how it feels. in most cases, it’s not really a live or die situation, but you should make it a priority like it is.  Life is too short to be unhappy with the "right person" or miserable with the wrong one.  

Neither choice, stay or go, provides a clear path absent of storms and rough waters. Your journey has already changed and it requires your attention. And one thing for sure, LEGO®'s don't float forever.         -OurDMK.com



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