The longer you're married, the more your marriage may experience a reduction in overall happiness.  It may not actually fit the description of a depressed marriage in that it has significant problems that require counseling or therapeutic intervention.  However, the marriage may need attention from both spouses to regain the brilliance and excitement hopefully experienced at some earlier time in the relationship.  DMK Guide to a Happy Marriage can help!

Hopefully, you have read the previous articles in the DMK Marriage Workshop that will be helpful in understanding aspects associated with your marriage's success or failure.  You will want to know the DMK Marriages Essentials and take the test that will tell you and your spouse your problem areas, your current marriage strengths and your overall marriage health.  

What makes your marriage unique?

One way to address many issues on the DMK Marriage Essentials List is to establish or reassert that part of your relationship your marriage lost over the years.  It's easy to forget the fun couple you started as before you were married.  You may be older and more mature, but love and passion can energize a marriage and both spouses like nothing else can.  

It may not start in the bedroom, but it can get you there

Love and passion are not just for the bedroom.  Though, that's where it can take you, back to a time when love making was an amazing adventure - risky, fun and sensual.  Good love making goes way beyond good sex.  Many marriages unfortunately experience neither as years progress.  Instead, it becomes a routine sexual encounter that is more like cardio fitness.

How to put love, passion and desire into your relationship to arouse each other's interest

  • Think back to a time when you were a happy couple.
  • What did you do together (hobbies, interests, dates) that provide good memories?
  • What do you both share a common interest in doing now?
  • What positive comments do others say about your marriage or spouse?
  • What is attractive about each of you to the other?
  • What makes each of you feel sexy, attractive, energetic?
  • What could your spouse say or do that would surprise you in a good way?
  • What is a secret fantasy you have about your spouse?
  • What has your spouse done recently that reassured his/her love for you?
  • What do you need?

Once you establish the unique qualities that make your marriage unique and each spouse important, wanted, appreciated and understood, your marriage will become a priority once again.  

Before life got complicated

Develop passion in everything you do: cooking, walking, talking, dates, dancing, working together on anything.  You can even clean the house together and develop your relationship at the same time.  Think back to when you first dated.  You were both excited to be together regardless of the plans.  Your exciting, new relationship was in front of you and everything else was secondary.  

How life got in the way

As you matured, all the daily bogus, like chores, job, carpool and bills got in the way.  Pretty soon, the time cleaning, walking, cooking or talking was secondary to everything else.  You and your spouse can easily forget how to make your relationship a priority.  

Get uncomfortable

This is a great time to get to know each other once again.  Establish set time away with just each other.  Make your time together exciting and different.  when you are doing the daily stuff, eventually it will be less boring - mundane and ordinary, because you will have a renewed sense of togetherness mush like when you first met.  This may mean doing some things that are outside of your comfort zone.  It may seem like it's not you, but know that as time wears on, we can really assume a "fuddy duddy" persona.  So, reach a little, don't get carried away, but bring your marriage back to life with new, exciting ideas that keep you both interested.

Marriage is a long game, don't short it

Make sure you think of the long term in this plan too.  Don't just whisk your spouse away for a couples weekend in Vegas.  Invest in long term plans to make changes.  

What to do to bring energy to your marriage

  • Add things to do based on hobbies and interests
  • Surprising your spouse on occasion but consistently over the course of your relationship
  • Letting your spouse know he/she is attractive to you and wanted
  • Maintaining your health, vitality and attractiveness to your spouse
  • Fulfilling your spouses idea of the ideal mate
  • Be your spouse's fantasy or dream spouse
  • Show your spouse how much you love him/her
  • Giving your spouse what he/she needs to feel fulfilled
  • Being the couple that you would envy if you met
  • Bring your passion and love into your sex life again
  • Satisfy each other's sexual desire
  • "Make love" about quality instead of quantity

You may face some disagreements

Since you will have more time together, expect to deal with some of the problems that have been ignored over the years.  Don't worry if a few arguments occur as a result.  Try to make them productive instead of hurtful.  Get right back to your relationship builders from the above list.  After an argument, it may be a good idea to do something that shows your spouse you heard what she/he feels and was upset about in the argument.  Write to her, go for a walk or take her somewhere different and put into your own words what she said bothers her and tell her how you can fix it.  Don't spend too long on discussing the argument.  Make the discussion short and the encounter positive.

Take it slow

Give it time, don't rush things. But, remain committed to making it work. One thing for certain, the beginning of your transition back to the couple you really are is going to be exciting and different. Don't let it scare either of you into giving up. Be sure you both know in the beginning it's going to require an open mind and commitment from each of you to stick with it.


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