If you suspect your wife or girlfriend is cheating, first consider why you have suspicions.  Has jealousy been a problem in your current or past relationships?   Has something happened that causes you concern?  Have you been unfaithful, dishonest or absent?  Do you secretly hope she's cheating to ease your conscious or provide an excuse to get out of a relationship with her?   

These questions may be hard to ask oneself and truly get an honest answer.  So, take some time to analyze the facts and reasons for your suspicions.   It doesn't mean that she isn't cheating if you answered yes to one or more of the questions, it just provides a more objective perspective before moving forward with any action(s). 

It's also helpful to speak with a trained therapist who can help you determine if your suspicions warrant action.

What should you do?

If after careful consideration, you still suspect she is cheating and confirmed you aren't being mostly swayed by your own issues, it's time to pay closer attention to her behavior, actions and signs of dishonesty and/or infidelity.  Here are some common things you may notice:

  • Losing interest in being alone with you
  • Doesn't want to be intimate with you
  • Changes in sexual behavior
  • Suggestions of new sexual positions, sexual acts or interest in multiple partners (open marriage)
  • New intimate apparel, but acts like it's no big deal  
  • Sudden interest in vanity, weight, body image 
  • Changes in clothing, style or hair
  • Keeps conversations short to avoid questions
  • Unusual schedule that includes overnight travel or late nights and weekends
  • Changes in mood or behavior
  • Interest in dangerous behavior or drugs
  • Increased drinking or new unhealthy habits
  • Increased talking about someone at work that may suggest a love interest or interest in an affair (tread lightly)
  • Abrasive and defensive if you ask where she is going or where she has been (unless it's obsessive, unwarranted or repetitive questioning)
  • Dishonest about her whereabouts
  • Makes unfounded and/or repetitive accusations about you having an affair
  • New, free e-mail accounts, deleted texts or e-mails or frequently cleared history on internet browser 
  • Unusual purchases or increased withdraws of cash so spending can't be tracked on credit or debit cards
  • Continued checking of e-mail, texts or leaving the room when talking on the phone
  • Deleted call or voicemail history, strange numbers or unknown/blocked numbers on call history

Remember, each of these or even a few does not mean your spouse or girlfriend is lying and/or cheating. 

You are looking for a combination of these clues and pattern of strange behavior or actions that may indicate she is not being honest.  Even with this pattern confirmed, it does not mean she is cheating, but she may not be telling you the truth about something that is happening in her life.  It may also indicate her feelings for you have changed.

Regardless of the reasons for the changes or if you have confirmed she is actually cheating, it may be time to seek marriage counseling or enrollment in a marriage workshop to avoid a future split-up.

It's important to remain as objective as humanly possible and not let your imagination run away with painful possibilities.  It won't be easy, but it may be the difference between saving your marriage or ending it. 

If ending it, it's important that you proceed carefully in order to obtain the best judgement in your divorce.  You'll be thankful later! 

Finally, try not to allow previous marriage problems or problems in past relationships lead you into terrible confrontation or arguments.  If you are overly consumed with anger, sadness or grief, you should individually seek the help of a trained professional (therapist, life coach, psychiatrist, counselor) for guidance.

How to confirm suspicions of infidelity?

  • Tell her why you are concerned and in some cases, just ask, "Are you having an affair?"
  • Talk with mutual friends about whether there is something she has mentioned about you that is bothering her. (again tread lightly)
  • Check mutual computers and phones for history that would indicate cheating.
  • Hire a private investigator to surveil and document her whereabouts, dishonest behavior and possible infidelity.

If it gets to a point where you want to GPS track her or put spyware on her phone, it may be time to discuss your concerns with the private investigator instead.  This will insure you are not committing a crime and behaving in a similar dishonest way as she. 

Trying to keep tabs on a suspected cheating spouse is time consuming and painful.  Leave the confirmation to a professional who can safely monitor and document his/her findings. 

You should have an idea of what you want if it is confirmed she is cheating.  Think about whether you would want to separate, divorce or just work through it.  It may likely change after confirmation one way or the other, but a little forethought is wise.  Just don't obsess or overthink it.  

What should you do once it's confirmed?

If you get confirmation that she is cheating, the worst things you could do is:

  • ignore it and hope the infidelity will just go away
  • hold it out there until you want to accuse her 
  • continue to secretly follow her affair
  • use it as an excuse to also cheat

None of these are the way to healthy marriage or individual.  Deal with it one way or another.


Know that what you want and what she want's may be two different things, so when you confront her, be ready for some difficult discussions.  Try not to ask too many details right from the start if you think it will be too painful or emotionally overwhelming.   You can get more details later when you have had time to digest the news of the infidelity.   

You know yourself and your propensity for wrongful behavior.  If you think you will lose your temper, you may want a mediator or counselor to facilitate the discussion(s).  

If you choose not to hire a professional and continue to feel like you personally need to check on her, track or monitor her, then there may be a bigger problem with your relationship and it may be more about your actions then about hers.



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