One of the most difficult things about a marriage is to feel powerless to improve or save it. You may know there are problems, have an idea of what your marriage needs, but lack the opportunity, time or desire to take the necessary actions to fix it.
In addition to the lack of individual attention to your marriage problems, you and your spouse may disagree about what needs to be done. It may seem as if your marriage is slowly fading away. But, it doesn't need to be this way!
It's time to remove the barriers between you and a happy marriage! While we are not trained therapists, just everyday people like you with years of relationship experience, we have found the best way to get started is to take action to improve your happiness rather than think, talk or argue about what needs to be done.
Let’s gets started.
It takes two
Both spouses must be willing and committed to the initial and immediate plan to save their marriage, to recognize and acknowledge their love and respect for one another. First; they should find some renewed common ground in order to address common problems. This requires mutual compassion for one another.
Major marriage problems
If your marriage has suffered an immediate disruption such as a recent infidelity, life crisis, serious marital violation or the problems are so severe you feel the marriage cannot improve until they are addressed, you should consider marriage counseling. This gives you neccessary support to help you through barriers you can't both get through alone. Together, with therapy you can then incorporate our suggestions to improve your relationship.
Common marital issues
Take your eye off your mariatal discord and focus on yourselves and your relationship.
Those with general marital issues should focus primarily on first generating positive, daily interactions with one another and second, problem solving. You don't need to incorporate all ideas on our list, just select those that seem beneficial to your relationship.
Improve the relationship, fix it later
Find big gains from your attraction to one another rather than remain fixated on the issues that bother you. Keep your spouse's positive attributes top of mind and keep the negative for a later time in your marriage improvement plan.
Ten ideas to fix your marriage today
We put together 10 ideas to improve your marriage that you can do today. If you do as few as three ideas today and maintain a mutual commitment to their follow through, your marriage could improve in as early as 30 days. Better yet, your relationship and individual mood should improve almost immediately.
If it doesn't or one spouse is unable or unwilling to remain focused on the ideas on this action list, the marriage may be in more serious trouble than you realize or were formerly able to admit to yourself. If this occurs, individual counseling and legal advice may be beneficial in determining your next course of action.
10. Demonstrate your love
Today: Think about one of your spouse's major daily stressors you have the power to relieve, and relieve it. Complete errands, make dinner, give a backrub, draw a bath, ask about his/her day - no matter what your spouse needs, help with what you are able.
A marriage represents unity. It merges two people into a single unit. There should be solidarity, compassion and understanding that brings both spouses to provide for one another. Such provision includes continuous demonstration of support for each other's life journey. This support includes an opportunity for both spouses to show and receive love through ongoing actions that reinforce your marriage and love for one another.
Some might want to call these the little things. But really, they are the actions that can make or break a marriage. When all else goes awry, these demonstrations of love and support for one another fortify the marriage in that each spouse knows that he/she is cared about, thought of and loved. This is an essential part of the foundation that makes a strong, lasting marriage.
Positive actions can be as simple as helping out around the house, maintaining emotional availability and providing when your spouse can not. This goes along with other ways to show your spouse you care and love him/her. But, it shouldn't be considered an either or- situation. It shouldn't be omitted because other areas of your marriage are sufficient.
In fact, if your marriage seems lacking in some way and you're not sure why, this may be the hidden issue one or both spouse's isn't providing. So, take the time today to simply help your spouse in some way. Find small ways to show your love rather than assume it's a constant.
9. Touch more
Today: As soon as you see your spouse today, kiss and grab his/her hand, perhaps touch his/her face when doing so. Be natural, be yourself. Even a gesture like a gentle squeeze of your spouses shoulders with a kiss on his/her neck can say, “I want you, I’m thinking of you.”
Such a simple way to express your love, desire and empathy for one another, yet it is often one of the first components in a relationship neglected over time.
Touching keeps your relationship physically stimulated when sex is less often than one or both spouses would like. The loss of physical interaction with your spouse is a common reason some spouses begin to feel distant from one another. This can lead to loss of communication, compassion and attraction. All are common complaints of those who committed adultery.
Understanding when, how and why touch is helpful with marital communication strengthens each spouse's ability to convey greater meaning to everything they say or don't say.
Think of your spouse in your physical demonstration of love. This means you should know how your spouse likes to be touched and the right time and occasion to do so. It can mean the difference of making a positive impact on how he/she feels about you or crowding his/her personal space. Be genuine rather than forthcoming and your spouse will be more likely to accept the gesture as a welcome advance.
A few awkward attempts aren’t uncommon if touch has been a small component in your marriage. If your spouse seems surprised by your gesture(s), be honest and tell him/her you would like to improve your physical relationship through more touching and kissing.
Read the January 2019 DMK article, The Power of Touch to help you and your spouse utilize one of the easiest forms of communication to improve your relationship!
8. Send meaningful texts
Today: Send a text right now (use the examples below to give you some ideas).
Text your spouse a sweet, short text that says you're thinking about him/her. Keep it short, in your own words and meaningful. Avoid focusing on yourself or your daily problems. Refrain from including any complaints or requests. Instead focus on your spouse's attributes or things you appreciate. In the beginning, avoid sending generic messages like, "just thinking of you" or "hope your day is going well". It's possible your spouse may not feel the sincerity as when the messages regard something specific. Later, such messages will be fine and surely appreciated, but not early in the rebuilding process.
A few examples:
- You made a great dinner last night! Can't stop thinking about the enchiladas.
- Meant to tell you I thought that dress you were wearing today looked really good on you!
- Just wanted to mention how much I appreciate you doing those honey-dos Sunday!
- Saw the Millers and they said they're headed to Hawaii and it got me thinking about our last trip. Miss those days with you!
7. Care for your health
Today: Tell your spouse you're going for a walk or jog and ask him/her to come along. Share your plan to get healthy and invite his/her participation. If your spouse is unable or unwilling, don't let that stop you. Get your ear buds, comfy shoes and get going!
One of the most important things you can do to show your spouse you love him/her is to take care of yourself. From eating right, reducing stress to getting the recommended amount of sleep and exercise.
It's important to remember that while self-respect is another way to show your spouse you care about having the longest life expectancy, and lifetime spent together, you are only responsible for yourself. You can not take responsibility for- nor control other's actions, behavior or will to improve themselves, their health or your relationship.
So, while you can suggest your interest in improving your health extends to your spouse improving his/hers, you should not try to manage or take responsibility for your spouse's personal health choices. So, lead by example. Get your new health initiative going and share your journey with your spouse. Tell him/her about your goals and why.
If he/she has an interest in doing the same you can start with with doctor approved exercise (for two if your spouse is ready), increase love making, cook healthy meals together and share findings of healthy options as part of your daily conversations. This can be a beginning of a new common goal that can bring you two closer together.
If your spouse does not share your interest or enthusiasm and has no serious medical need for intervention, be patient and don't force your new lifestyle on him/her. Your spouse will either eventually realize the benefits or he/she won't. But, either way, you will feel better about yourself which is an attribute helpful in building a strong marriage.
If your spouse does need intervention, counseling is absolutely recommended if he/she is unwilling or unable to make the changes needed to establish a healthy lifestyle.
6. Care about your appearance
Today: Think about something you haven't changed about yourself in awhile (hair, clothes, fragrance) and gather a few examples of changes. Either schedule appointments, order or buy what you can afford today and/or ask your spouse for some input on some of your selections. It can be as small as wearing your hair a little different, just stay vested in yourself and your style.
It's so easy to feel run down with common stresses married couples experience.
Take the time to bring your appearance up-to-date. If you feel attractive your spouse will sense that and his/her attraction will be stronger for you. This doesn't mean dress for him/her, but it's not wrong to think of what your spouse finds attractive and consider that in your new clothes, hair, style and overall appearance. Just don't compromise your own style solely for your spouse.
Overall you should feel comfortable with your selections and good about yourself based on your own likes, interests and style.
It's important too that you don't force your spouse into his/her own style update. Introduce the idea and support your mutual interest in making some changes together, but don't make it an area of contention at this point. It may be something to discuss later in counseling if your spouse is disinterested in your desires for him/her to care about his/her appearance.
Right now, work on positive changes you can make rather than critiquing each other.
5. Spend more alone time with one another
Today: Take the time to schedule an on-going date night with your spouse starting with your first date set for sometime in the next two weeks.
Discuss a common time that works well for both of you. It can be once a week, every other week or once a month, but it should be an on-going commitment to one another where next to nothing bumps it.
Kids, pets and problems are not invited. Sitters should be those who can commit to this time on an on-going basis so that plans do not get disrupted. Your date should be outside the home whenever possible. These date nights are not for double dates, fund raisers, work or commitments other than for your spouse. Phones are allowed, but utilized only for emergencies.
The dates should be filled with adventure, passion, romance, excitement. Keep each date alive. Movies, dinner your favorite places and shopping should be scheduled for another time. These dates should be about getting out of your comfort zone and into experiences that creates memories like the ones from when you first met.
Remember that time in your lives. It was exciting, a bit scary and filled with the unknown. Share those memories with your spouse. Keep him/her involved with your plans and your wish to recreate those feelings with your dates.
Never do anything that would damage your relationship, but discuss your interest in bringing some heat back into your marriage. The dates should be based on what both spouses have an interest rather than planned solely around what one spouse may think the other would like.
4. SEX!
Today: If healthy enough, have sex tonight in a different position or include something different in foreplay. Don't be shy, this is your spouse, love him/her with all your desire and things will never get old in the bedroom!
Sex is a common element of a long relationship that often gets neglected or, for some, even boring. For many of us it becomes more like an exercise routine rather than an opportunity to build on-going desire, attraction and closeness with one another. And while it can help reduce stress and increase your self-esteem like exercise it's another physical component of a marriage that is often essential in maintaining good marriage health.
New positions, increased foreplay and role playing can really spice things up. But, sex begins outside the bedroom. So, build desire with how you treat one another. Consider what each of you find attractive and sexy, understand the other's needs and maintain an ongoing physical connection beyond sexual intercourse (as mentioned in idea 9).
If you feel a bit lost or inhibited for any reason, have no fear! Start slow and add some small changes to your physical relationship. Remember, touch more often, compliment your spouse on whatever you find attractive about him/her, ask for more if that's what you need. Avoid critiquing your spouse and instead just tell your spouse what you want from your sex together.
If you don't feel your spouse would understand how you feel, what you need or why you're initiating changes to your sexual relationship it may be helpful to get started in marriage counseling with a counselor who provides sex therapy as part of your counseling.
3. Bring more spontaneity into your marriage
Today: Schedule some time with your spouse for a day at the winery, road trip to a bed & breakfast for the weekend, tailgating and football or simply give your spouse a small gift, love letter or single flower.
So many couples underestimate how much time they should spend with one another. They think once they establish a date night the obligation to their marriage is satisfied. Wrong!
Your marriage needs ongoing attention that includes re-occurring date nights, as well as, spontaneous gestures and outings. Such spontaneity may be something as small as a short, but heart felt love letter or as grand as a trip to a hot destination to heat up a cooled off marriage.
The most important thing about it is that it's not something either of you need, rather something that you didn't know you needed until it happens.
Do we need our spouse to leave a single rose with a small note attached professing his unending love in our car for us to get after a hard day at work or to surprise us with a completely thought through day trip to the wineries where daycare, UBER® and list of wineries is completely planned in advance? Um. No, but YES!!!!
Make it more about your spouse
This is where the opposite occurs from your established date nights in that you can plan such an outing, gift or gesture around what you think would provide great meaning and appreciation from your spouse rather than about both of you. This is an act of giving while being completely cognizant of your spouse. This is your contribution to your spouse and marriage and it is extremely meaningful when done throughout your marriage at unexpected times. -not just stressful times or times of loss. A caring, loving spouse begins to just know when to do so. It's about being completely aware, present and vested in your spouse.
Check out the November 2018 DMK article, "Hot Locations to Heat Up Your Relationship" for ideas to jump start your love affair with your spouse!
2. Complete a project together
Today: Ask your spouse if there are any dream projects that could be done around the house or if he/she has an interest in learning something new or accomplishing a goal. Discuss ways to accomplish it together.
Having a mutual interest in a project or goal builds solidarity and togetherness. It provides a focused quest that, when successful provides a deposit into the bank of "us". These types of accomplishments in a marriage may also make the difference when deciding to stay together or call-it-quits.
However, in the case of reestablishing something that has been depleted over the years, the goal, project or quest should solely be satisfying to the couple in that it provides little to know requirement, responsibility to significantly maintain or continuously evolve. This means it should be something that when complete is nearly 80-100% provisional. It should leave a positive installment on the marriage rather than one that can lead to added stress or rifts.
The mutual project or interest should generally not be:
- a new baby
- a new pet
- a home project beyond your means
- a new home
- a new business
- a new partner (such as a throuple or open marriage)
Some ideas that may be good projects:
- building a new deck
- redecorating some part of the home
- landscaping
- small garden that requires less than 20% upkeep
- learning something together (a new language, skill, craft)
- home brewing, cooking
Remember the goal is relationship building while creating something that represents your teamwork and love for months or years to come.
1. Spend more time directly interacting with one another
Today: Instead of spending an hour of your available free time on separate activities, television or with other people, spend it directly interacting with your spouse.
It's easy to grow apart over the years and much of the reason the distance between spouses seems to suddenly overtake a marriage is that independent goals, obligations and activities become more common and preferred as time goes on and the early stage of a marriage concludes.
In fact, the interaction should not include either spouse doing another activity during this time, regardless if both spouses are together and alone.
While it's so important to have a certain level of independence and self-sufficiency to maintain good self-esteem and life fulfillment, making time daily to spend with your spouse is essential. It can be as little as 15-30 minutes, but it's as important to your marriage as physical fitness is to your health. The time together doesn't need to be planned; you just need to make time throughout the day to interact.
Some ideas for direct interaction include:
- talking (better in person, but by phone if direct contact is not possible)
- walking, canoeing, fishing or other slow paced, shared activity
- massaging
- bathing together or spending time in a hot tub
- wading in pool, lake or other calm body of water
- shared stretching
- sex
- reading to one another
- picnicking
Some activities that should not be considered your daily interaction time:
- watching television
- family time
- ball games
- aerobic exercise (other than sex)
- any activity that requires more attention to the activity than your spouse
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