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Simultaneously, upon my realizing he hadn't heard a word I said, he shouted about a bad play in the game on the television.  It was so loud and abrupt that it startled me and I spilled my entire glass of chianti. 

I quickly sopped up the wine while he continued watching the television.  Without taking his eyes off the game, he picked up his napkin and dropped it in front of me, as if I was distracting him.  No lie.

Over the next few minutes, while I waited for him to return to our date, I finally realized...I was dating my ex husband!

Help!  I'm in a "dud for a date" loop and can't get out!

While, he wasn't actually my ex, he was the same type of guy.  Interesting to me, I didn't even realize that I had a "type" until then.  I began to look back over the years and nearly everyone I dated was relatively similar.

At first, I thought there might be something wrong with me.  Am I just a gluten for punishment?  Had nearly 10 years of marriage and a costly, agonizing 2 year divorce not been enough?  How could I, a successful, educated woman fall for the same old guy?

When I asked my girlfriends if they noticed any similarities, they said they knew right from the beginning that Brad was just like my ex.  The general consensus about Brad was to let me decide. 

While I wished they just blurted it out from the get-go, in some way I think they were right to let me figure it out on my own because I may have doubted it true without actually dating him.  

Years ago, when I was younger and had a bad date, I truly just thought "all guys were jerks", until the next jerk asked me out.  It never occurred to me that it wasn't all guys, just the type of guys I attracted and that I also found attractive.   

After being married and divorced, finally deciding that I deserved to be happy, it only took 2 months with Brad before I realized what kind of relationship I was heading back into.

Well, it turns out, I'm not as unusual as I thought.  Briefly thinking back at my some of my friend's dating history, I realized some of them also had a type that often remained unchanged regardless of how unhappy they were with their ex.  So, what's the deal?

Common to have a type

Despite many people finding fault in their ex as the primary reason for relationship failure, a  2019 article on ScienceDaily.com refers to research conducted by social psychologists at the University of Toronto that indicates people commonly seek the same type of person when looking for love.  Regardless of their problems in their last relationship, they still look for people with similar personalities as their ex.  

Ironic and self-defeating.  This kind of attraction easily explains one major reason why second and third marriages have an even higher percentage of failure than the first.  In fact, second marriages have a 67% chance to fail and a third trip down the aisle should include "a divorce lawyer fund" on the registry with a whopping 73% chance of a doomed fate.

Why are we attracted to the same type of person?

There are likely many reasons.  Here are three possibilities:

  • Most people are attracted to things that aren't necessarily good for them, like drinking or eating too much, overspending, or not getting enough sleep.  Attraction to people is no different.  It’s not uncommon to be attracted to people that may not be good for us, but we find desirable. The right girl or guy may seem boring, typical or disinteresting in comparison.
  • Perhaps our personality type does match well with our “type” and we just think our problems in our last relationship(s) were unusual or unrelated to our compatibility with these people.
  • A third possibility some of us end up in this loop is that we may not even realize we're doing it until the relationship starts to show signs of trouble. 

A clear fact that we loved our ex at one time, until his/her bad self showed up and spoiled everything, makes the high probability of dating the same personality type an obvious no brainer.  We may not notice many similarities when all is good because it's like going back in time and spending it with the person we once loved.  All we know is that the new guy/girl feels comfortable to us and yet, there's a passion and fire that we may have not had with our ex for a long time.  That newness is an easy way to throw caution to the wind and jump into a wild romance, if things even get that far. 

Once the dark side of that person shows up, the likeness to our ex may be pretty clear.  

In my case, after Brad showed his dark side, that's all I could see after that date.  All the good stuff went right out the window and soon I was over him. 

Perhaps it's our first wake-up call that similar people to our ex probably also have a high incidence of similar negative attributes and if such personality quips damaged our previous relationship(s), they are bound to bother us again.

Could your new romance be doomed?

A new relationship with someone like your ex can either lead to more patience to work through similar problems from your previous marriage or put you right over the edge.  

But, how do you know if your new relationship is actually with someone whose dark similarities to your ex aren't obvious yet?  

Take off the "new relationship" goggles 

While some people are master manipulators, usually, there are small early signs that many of us choose to ignore because we don't want to admit our new dating partner is a dud. 

While you shouldn't jump to conclusions, you should be honest and upfront with your new partner about things that bother you and/or are important to you in a relationship.   If you're not a match, the sooner you both admit it, the better.

Don't be afraid to ask trusted friends and family members their opinion.  Consider what they have to say and don't be defensive if it's not what you expect.  That's the whole reason for asking them; so that they can bring light to some things that you may be too close to see. 

However, you are the only person who should actually make decisions regarding who you date.  Unless your confidants believe your new dating partner could cause harm to you or someone else, solicit their opinions for the purpose of helping you make your own decisions, rather than relying solely or more heavily on their advice as the only option.  

You’re the only one responsible for your personal happiness and therefore the one entitled to manage it.

Extreme caution advised!

If your new love interest is suspected of endangering you or others, you may need to rely on help from friends or loved ones more than typical.  Don't be afraid to ask for help to get you to a safe place emotionally and physically.  Some circumstances can really skew your ability to make decisions that are in your best interest rather than decisions most beneficial to the unhealthy relationship. Once you're out of the relationship, you may wonder why it took you as long as it did to realize what was happening. 

Manipulative, domineering and abusive people are very good at deception and brainwashing.  They damage self-esteem and make it very easy for their victim to get back into another emotionally or physically abusive relationship, even more than the average dater.  So, if your last spouse or partner was abusive or deceptive, know that you have a very high probability of dating someone similar in the future.  

The best way to ensure that doesn't happen is to be sure about yourself, what you want, expect and deserve before entering into a new relationship.

Don't use your friend's opinions to get your way

When seeking the opinions from others, it's best not to use it like ammunition, e.g. "My friend said you are rude!"

Instead, allow your friends and loved ones to talk to you in confidence.  If you agree with them, you should discuss those topics with your partner with specific incidents that bother you.  There's no need to discuss your friend's specific comments. 

Expect to discuss issues your new love interest may also be concerned about.   You may be surprised about what you do also that bothers him/her.  It doesn't need to be a debate or argument.  Keep the discussion short and simple.  Then revisit topics later, if needed.  This gives both of you time to digest what's been discussed and respond less defensively and/or take the time to decide if these mutual issues are indicating the relationship needs to end.

It's better to get important things out in the open rather than to let them fester and later destroy your relationship anyway.

Taking the chance with your "type" of dating partner

The good news is that if you're attracted to the good qualities of your ex and your new love interest does not have many similar negative qualities, then there's little harm, as long as any mutual dysfunction (compatibility qualms) are worked out early.  This means both you and your new partner must develop a strong enough relationship to address problems proactively so that they don't lead to more complicated relationship busters.

Don't necessarily compare your new love with your last.  Remember, your new dating partner is his/her own person and shouldn't pay for the mistakes, violations of trust or general behavior problems of your ex.  It may be more difficult if the two have similar qualities, but the distinction is imperative for a happy, healthy relationship.  A strong, loving relationship is completely possible with awareness, patience and consideration.

Similar good and bad, but better at dealing with it

Some examples:

  • Some people, including you, can change and understand the need to make further, necessary changes for the sake of a healthy relationship and personal happiness.  
  • The new person you're dating may have learned a great deal of relationship skills over the years and his/her attractive qualities are all that remains similar to your ex. 
  • Perhaps, your new dating partner has matured or already worked through his/her issues more than your former spouse ever did or was willing to do. 
  • Better yet, he/she may share some positive personality or physical traits, but none of the bad, then or now.

The good and bad possibilities are endless.  Every new relationship comes with risks.  If it seems right in your heart and mind, take a chance and see how it goes.  Just don't ignore warning signs if they emerge.  

If the person you're currently with eventually shows negative similarities to your former spouse, it may still be worth your time to pursue the relationship since it has less emotional history than your former.  

However, in many cases, years of unsolved, worsening marital problems is actually what leads couples to finally throw in the towel.  Just know that when the newness wears off, if you haven't worked through those similar problems in your new relationship, you'll find yourself right back in the same boat as you were before.

Not again

What if the warning signs happen in the very beginning of the relationship, problems occur without resolve or you keep meeting people with the same issues... Is it worth the risk then?

Probably not.  These are signs that pursuing a new love interest may not be a good idea at all right now.

Here's why...

You're new partner isn't right for you or ready for a new relationship 

One problem with meeting someone who immediately and/or continuously shows his/her bad side in the beginning (a year or less) is a clear indication that he/she has not matured or learned from the same type of mistakes that likely damaged his/her previous relationship(s), as well as your own.   It's easy to want to find excuses or ignore it if the dating scene isn't your thing and you really want to be in a relationship.  But, don't.  

It may be frustrating that you wasted time with the wrong person or that you have to start your quest again to find someone new, but at least you won't go through the emotional, financial and familial damage of a failed long-term relationship, which will certainly evolve if the same problems exist. 

You divorced for a reason or a bunch of them.  Who cares who you're with if the exact same problems remain with you.  Certainly when divorcing, you didn't sue your spouse for possession of the same problems, did you?    Then why keep them?

These warning signs are a clear indication that even if your heart says yes, your common sense and mind should put on the breaks before you both drive yourselves right back into a bad relationship do-over.

You're not ready for a new relationship

The problem you're having may not seem obvious to you, but to others it may be pretty clear.  Here's one way to know...

Ask yourself, in all the years you have dated or been married, have the majority of your relationships ended because of something the other person in each relationship did?

If you honestly answered no, then you have likely made your own changes that start with acknowledging your own problems with your relationship skills.  In this case, you should still reevaluate why you're attracted to the wrong people, how you're meeting these people and what about you is attractive to them.  Then make some changes and see how your dating life improves.

If you answered yes, then you may have some obvious self-issues that either lead you to the same type of loser, liar or lackluster lover you had before or you easily find fault in others where perhaps there is little to none. 

Regardless why some of us are like a moth to a flame when dating, it may be worth doing the following:

  • reexamine the reasons for seeking someone new
  • consider why you're attracted to people that you attribute much of your own unhappiness
  • think about why these same type of dating partners are attracted to you
  • identify, examine and improve your own relationship skills
  • consider some of the same issues that keep coming up in relationships and choose a new partner that would be less likely to illicit those same problems (e.g. if one or more of your relationships was troubled due to unhealthy behavior, search for someone who lives a healthy and active lifestyle and do not concede on such issues)

What else can you do to stop the bad relationship cycle?

Take some time to "date yourself".  Take off your ex and enjoy some time to discover what you really want for yourself, family and in a new love interest.  Learn to be yourself again.  Frankly, learn to be the person you have grown into and matured since the last time you were single, but without a significant other's influence or personality melded with your own.

"Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me"

You've learned a lot over the years.  Don't just look for a warm body to replace your ex.  Find the qualities your former spouse lacked.  Ya, maybe there may be some similar qualities, but generally look back at the problems in your last relationship, turn them around and find someone whose personality supports those good relationship qualities.

Be honest with yourself and don't waste time dating until you've dealt with your emotions from the past.  You don't need to be completely over your divorce and emotions from it, but you should know what went wrong and be wise enough to steer clear of anyone that begins to lead you into the same drama.

Remember to keep the problems from the past and your former spouse out of your new relationship as much as possible.  So don't compare your new relationship or dating partner with your last.  Just use your wisdom from previous mistakes to avoid more in the future.

You don't need to be single forever, just take this time before getting serious with anyone in order to truly understand yourself and what you really seek.   The sooner you discover what you want, the sooner you can meet someone who can truly understand you and provide what you need.  

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